The Most Predictable Text Ever

It was the most predictable text I have gotten this year. It was from a friend of mine who is now a fancy big city lawyer, and since my attorney is currently not on retainer and I can't afford defamation lawsuits, I will refer to him here under the pseudonym "Optimus Prime." Around 8:30 pm on Saturday night, Optimus Prime sent me a text that said simply: "Dude, the Big 10 sucks this year!"

I'm the resident Big 10 fan here at the Office Tailgate and among my friends in general, so I'm used to comments like this. This one came shortly after Florida State went up 42-6 on Wisconsin, on it's way to a a 42-13 victory in the Champs Sports Bowl. This outcome was really a surprise. Florida State won 9 games this year, meanwhile Wisco won 7, one of which was a 1 point victory over Cal Poly after Poly blew the extra point to force overtime, and lost to such solid teams this year as Michigan. They started the year 3-0, then proceeded to end the year 4-6. They sucked. No one other than PJ Hill's grandma expected them to win this game. So if they lose a game they are supposed to lose, obviously the Big 10 sucks. Thanks, Optimus. How did your Hurricanes do again in the Emerald Bowl?

So once again, the Big 10 is going to wrongly be everyone's whipping boy this bowl season,. The Big 10 was not as good as it normally is this year, but this is to be expected after a major coaching change on it's flagship campus, not to mention the fact that's its the only conference that has had to replace 2! coaches who suddenly died in the last four years (Northwestern and Indiana). They also had some embarrassing performances in bowls last season, most notably Purdue losing to Central Michigan in the Motor City Bowl and Ohio State having the humiliating rank of #2 team in the country. But people also forget what they want to forget. Yes, the Big 10 has been down recently. But, as our friends at Mr. SEC point out, they are the only conference with a winning record against the SEC in bowl games since 2004.

Which one in the dress would you sleep with?
The correct answer is all of them, even the blonde Big 10

What the Big 10 as become, unfortunately, is the Donna of college football. On "90210," the greatest teen drama until McG transformed "Scenes from the Next OC" into an art form, there were plenty of hot girls. Kelly Taylor still makes my heart skip a beat when I watch reruns, Valerie/Kelly Kepowski was the pivotal figure in my entrance into puberty and sexual drive, and Claire in my opinion had one of the greatest boob jobs in Hollywood history. Then, there was Donna. Yes, her eyes pop out further than a bullfrog, yes she is as talented an actress as Gene Chizik as a head coach, yes the fact that her Dad ensured she was the one virgin on the show was both unrealistic and a blatant lie considering everyone knew she was about as prude as Paris Hilton. All of these things are true. But, at the end of the day, she still had a pretty rocking body. Same with the Big 10-- it may be down, but it's still one of the four best conferences in college football. Maybe not your first choice, but you'd definitely still hook up with it.

Case in point, the Alamo Bowl last night. Missouri was 12.5 point favorites, was at one point a Top 5 team in the country, was the runner-up in the best conference in college football this year (yes, Hoogs, they were the runner up), and feature two of the best offensive players in college football. On the other hand, you have Northwestern. Their biggest non-conference win was against Duke, their best Big 10 win was beating Iowa on the road, and their best offensive player missed most of the season and virtually all of their bowl practices with a broken wrist. This should have been a blow out, but instead, Northwestern led virtually the entire game and would have won in regulation if not for the kicker shanking one field goal and putting an extra point off the goal post. In a game that looked like a blow out on paper, the Big 10 played well against a much more talented opponent. The Big 10 is Donna. If Northwestern had won, they might've been Claire. If Ohio State beats Texas, they might be Valerie. But considering the average season in the great white North, I can live with being the conference that is "Hot, but not that hot."