Heisman Trophy Preview

Remember when this trophy meant something? Me neither

So Saturday is supposedly the “Biggest Night in College Football for Individual, Not Team Awards, That Only Go To Running Backs and Quarterbacks and Will Ultimately Fail in the NFL After Being A Fourth Round Choice.” How are you not excited? Short of a “Saved By the Bell: College Years” marathon on TBS, featuring—Gasp! Bob Goooolic!?!?—what else would you rather do on Saturday night! Personally, I’ve had it with Professor Jeremiah Lasky and his unorthodox approach to teaching Anthropology, so I’m looking for the producers at ESPN to provide for me over an unnecessarily long 90 minute presentation for a single award.

1) At least once during this presentation, I’m looking forward to seeing one of the announcers forget that there are 3 nominees for this award. With all the gushing over Sam Bradford’s statistics and Tim Tebow’s stunning likeness to our Lord and Savior (more on this to come), either Corso or Fowler will somehow forget that Colt MCoy is a nominee for this award. You know it’s going to happen. Colt McCoy is going to feel like Cooper Manning at Christmas.
Archie: Peyton, Eli, I got you both luggage for all your road trips. I also got you some ammonia so you can polish the diamonds in your Super Bowl rings—industrial size, I’ve seen how big those suckers are! Quick, let’s do our secret NFL players handshake.
Archie turning to Cooper, “Oh, Eli, who’s your friend? You didn’t tell us to set an extra place at dinner!”
Cooper: (silent, soul-crushing sobs)
Oh Colt McCoy, no one at ESPN will even notice your tears. Now, if you get drafted 5 picks to late at the NFL draft—those tears they’ll show every year for 10 years ala Brady Quinn and his hideous college girlfriend.

2) I would also like to throw this one out there: Desmond Howard will remind you he won the Heisman at least 3 times during the course of the broadcast. I also put the over under at 5 for the number of times they refer to the group of Heisman winners as a “fraternity,” and the over-under at 1 for the number of times they make reference to Tony Dorsett making Tim Tebow do the elephant walk last spring.

On a side not for Desmond, and I say this as a Michigan fan and Cleveland native who worshiped the ground he walked on, but what do you think the odds are that he called “dibs” on the interview with Crabtree during the pre-production meetings this week? Eh, in the end, it’s all good as long as we see Desmond in argyle with rims on his golf cart again.

3) ESPN will be about as subtle with its religious imagery around Tim Tebow as director Bryan Singer in “Superman Returns.” Let’s see, he was born and realized his purpose in Florida’s opening week 56-10 victory over Hawaii; for the sins of all Florida fans, he was crucified, died and buried on that 4th and 1 off tackle play against Mississippi; then miraculously resurrected himself with a newfound purpose during that post-game interview. Now, he is coming again to judge the SEC and the Big 12, damning all wicked defenders that he steamrolls.

Also, can we do an over-under on how many times ESPN will show clips from that damn interview between now and Sunday afternoon? I’m putting it at 16. I would also like to point out I have seen someone work harder and push their teammates more in my lifetime—no one raised our 7th grade girls basketball team quite like my power forward Mary Kate. Without her, we never would have made it to the Tidewater Independent Saturday Morning Middle School Girl’s Basketball League Championship after that crushing loss to Walsingham Academy in Williamsburg. Now that performance was Heisman worthy.

4) I really want to see shots of the Bradford family. Mostly, and I know this sounds awful, because I really want to see if his mom is either Pacific Islander or Polynesian. He just looks like he might be when he has his helmet on. That’s really awful. I suppose it could also be that his Dad is Polynesian, too. It could be historic, though, as the first non-white or African-American to win the trophy.

5) I’m really looking forward to the annual “Yes, Tim Tebow Can Win as a QB in the NFL” argument made by Lee Corso. This is always my favorite part of the Heisman. What does it say about the award that you have to actually justify that the so-called best player in college football can even get drafted in four months? Ideally, they will bring Mel Kiper and University of Richmond hero Todd McShay as Corso makes this argument, just so we can see the Hair shake his head in condescending disbelief and the Spider throwing Corso a bone like, “Well, maybe as a full back or a halfback in the Wildcat formation.”

Personally, I think Tebow will be able to put together a package that will knock your socks off this spring—if you act now and combine your home, fire and car insurance into one low, fixed rate.

Creepy, right? Like looking into the future

6) I’m really looking forward to seeing Tebow accept the award around 9:15 pm EST (yes, I think Tebow is going to win. The media’s nose is so deep into Urban Meyer’s pelvis that I’m amazed they aren’t choking, so how could he not win a media vote). Here’s what I want to see: first of all, I want to see Tebow do the Heisman pose with the trophy. I also want it to be something really awkward, like him making reference to 1991 by shouting “Desmond Howard” to the delight of only the Gameday Crew, or doing the pose with the wrong hand, or not even posing by rather actually stiff-arming the President of the New York Athletic Club on his way to the trophy.

Immediately thereafter, I also hope they also cut to Urban Meyer hosting a press conference. In this press conference, he will call on the NCAA to grant Tebow a fifth year of eligibility because he only played on situational downs as a freshman. Since he only played 15% of the plays as a freshmen, he should get 85% of the plays as a fifth year senior. He will offer to compromise with the NCAA: he can either play on all downs other the 2nd and 3 or 2nd and Goal, or he will sit out all non-SEC games against 1-AA opponents (so roughly half of their 12 games). The NCAA, since it has no soul, will obviously grant this.

Now, if Bradford wins, I hope they cut to new Mississippi State coach and Tebow-mentor Jim Mullen. After Tebow flew him and his wife to New York for the ceremony last year, he named his new puppy “Heisman” to celebrate the award. If Bradford wins, I hope he gets a rabbit named “Maxwell.” In a related note, I hope the McCoy’s get a kitten named “I Hate This F-cking Sport.”

8) If Tebow wins, I really want to see if Bradford and McCoy shout out "YES!," since they now both realize that since they lost the Heisman, they will now have successful pro careers.

Happy watching, I hope you all enjoy it.