So enjoy, and remember: by 7 pm tonight, one of these teams will be one step closer to mediocrity.
Uncle D: As the Memphis-Georgetown game spills over to overtime, we don't have to wait long for Jim Nantz to half-heartedly expound upon the historical significance of the Kentucky-Indian rivalry.
Also, for some reason or another, Nantz and Clark Kellogg are wearing tuxedos. While Nantz kicks CBS' coverage over to the Indiana-Kentucky game, Kellogg retreats to the kitchen to get more crab cakes.
11:41 Left in the First
Brooks: Now that Georgetown was nice enough to wrap up their game, we get to the day's featured matchup. I see that IU is already down 24-4. Apparently their offense isn't working through Kyle Taber, who has Mark Madsen's elbows but not his game.
8:20 Left in the First
Brooks: Moments after he was officially welcomed to the CBS family, Greg Anthony announces that this reunion is boring by asking Verne Lundquist about the football season.
7:33 Left in the First
Brooks: Verne Lundquist sums this up nicely: "(audible sigh) Well, they're not all like this. It's 32-6."
6:16 Left in the First
Brooks: I just watched another AT&T Go Phone commercial. Who approved that ad campaign.
Marketing Exec: "Alright, how about this. Norm MacDonald. Steve Buschemi. Gingerbread Men."
AT&T CEO: "That is the best idea I have ever heard."
5:06 Left in the First
Brooks: I'm not exactly sure why I dislike Billy Gillespie. I think it has something to do with a grown man calling himself "Billy." With a last name like Gillespie, he should have some sort of zany name-- then I could like him. Maybe something like "Jimbo" or "Dizzy."
I'd also like him more if he was black and a jazz musician.
3:53 Left in the First Half
Uncle D: Kentucky is leading 34-14. Indiana is simply getting walked on by Kentucky, which is fitting.
3:51 Left in the First
Brooks: We just watch the fourth different IU player dribble the ball off his foot and out of bounds in the last five minutes. Apparently, the team thought that Tom Crean told them to "Go toe the hoop" during their last time out. Mercifully, CBS now goes to commerical.
1:36 Left in the First
Brooks: Verne just did his best impression of Bob Ueker in "Major League," when he remarked in exasperation, "15 Turnovers? 15!" His also remarked that if IU wants to make a basket, "He's going to need a rocket up his ass"
55 Seconds Left in the First Half
Uncle D: CBS' Greg Anthony observes that Kentucky is not allowing Indiana to run their offense. After overhearing Anthony on the sideline, Coach Gillespie leans over the scorer's table and responds "uh, yes we are"
Halftime
Brooks: The first commercial after the half is for Flomax. Fitting, since all IU fans feel like they just got raped by the three middle aged men in the commercial.
36-13 Kentucky
Uncle D: A highlight reel of the first half consists of a series of Kentucky dunk shots. Indiana isn't without its moments though as Tom Pritchard is shown touching the rim.
Greg Anthony suggests the Hoosiers get back to Indiana basketball. Consequently, Tom Crean just sent out 79 text messages.
Brooks: Seth Davis was the guest on the halftime show. Fresh off his article this week when he argued college basketball is better than college football since every game matters, Davis is asked to justify this game. 10 minutes of silence ensues until they go to the exciting highlights from the Michigan-EMU game.
19:50 Left in the Second
Brooks: Kentucky opens the game with an Alley-Oop from midcourt. Tom Crean is actually having the last laugh, however, as no referee or Kentucky player has noticed that he actually cut the entire team at halftime and replaced them with 15 douches he found in the stands
16:10 Left in the Second
Brooks: Greg Anthony has taken over the roll of motivator for the Hoosiers, and continues to tell their players, "You play like Grandmama, but you are no Larry Johnson."
Somewhere, Larry Johnson looks up at the TV after hearing his name, but then goes back to devouring his 4th box of Hohos today
15:00 Left in the Second
Brooks: Gregg Anthony just said that what makes Tom Crean a great coach is his ability to prepare his team's for big games and making sure they always compete. Verne sarcastically remarks, "Yeah, they're really competing. They've gotten back within 20 now that Kentucky's backups are in," as he pours another shot for himself
11:17 Left in the Second Half
Brooks: And we have finally reached the breaking point for Verne. The game is so awful he has actually busted out Greg's UNLV comic book from the 1990 Runnin' (no G's on that team! Well, other than Stacy Augmon) Rebels. So, we've finally reached the point where Verne would rather talk about the glory days than watch this game.
Coming out of the timeout, Tom Crean is actually on his cell phone. Apparently he decided that if his team is going to call it in today, he might as well get working on next year's recruiting class since none of these clowns will be on the roster again
Uncle D: Verne Lundquist just whipped out some comic book about the 1990 UNLV basketball team that he has been carrying around for the last 18 years hoping he would one day run into Stacy Augmon. Instead, he settles for showing it to broadcast partner Greg Anthony.
Brooks: Seth Davis was the guest on the halftime show. Fresh off his article this week when he argued college basketball is better than college football since every game matters, Davis is asked to justify this game. 10 minutes of silence ensues until they go to the exciting highlights from the Michigan-EMU game.
19:50 Left in the Second
Brooks: Kentucky opens the game with an Alley-Oop from midcourt. Tom Crean is actually having the last laugh, however, as no referee or Kentucky player has noticed that he actually cut the entire team at halftime and replaced them with 15 douches he found in the stands
16:10 Left in the Second
Brooks: Greg Anthony has taken over the roll of motivator for the Hoosiers, and continues to tell their players, "You play like Grandmama, but you are no Larry Johnson."
Somewhere, Larry Johnson looks up at the TV after hearing his name, but then goes back to devouring his 4th box of Hohos today
15:00 Left in the Second
Brooks: Gregg Anthony just said that what makes Tom Crean a great coach is his ability to prepare his team's for big games and making sure they always compete. Verne sarcastically remarks, "Yeah, they're really competing. They've gotten back within 20 now that Kentucky's backups are in," as he pours another shot for himself
11:17 Left in the Second Half
Brooks: And we have finally reached the breaking point for Verne. The game is so awful he has actually busted out Greg's UNLV comic book from the 1990 Runnin' (no G's on that team! Well, other than Stacy Augmon) Rebels. So, we've finally reached the point where Verne would rather talk about the glory days than watch this game.
Coming out of the timeout, Tom Crean is actually on his cell phone. Apparently he decided that if his team is going to call it in today, he might as well get working on next year's recruiting class since none of these clowns will be on the roster again
Uncle D: Verne Lundquist just whipped out some comic book about the 1990 UNLV basketball team that he has been carrying around for the last 18 years hoping he would one day run into Stacy Augmon. Instead, he settles for showing it to broadcast partner Greg Anthony.
Incidentally, you may recall the movie adaptation of the graphic novel, although it was released under the title "Sin City"
11:00 Left in the Second
Brooks: Anthony just reminded the audience that UK is most successful when they attack the paint. Frustrated, Tom Crean shouts to him, "No shit, my tallest player is 5'6" and female."
I've realized that if I'm going to finish this game, I've got to start drinking
7:49 Left in the 2nd Half
Uncle D: Greg Anthony implies that Indiana is not playing with the sense of urgency needed to get back into this game. Unbeknowngst to Anthony, The Hoosiers actually are, they are just that slow.
6:46 Left in the Second
Brooks: Are they seriously going to show this whole game? There isn't another game, somewhere, that they can cut to!??!
By the way, this is how bad IU is. Kentucky is up by 20 points, and Greg Anthony has spent the last 4 minutes going into painful details about all the problems with the Kentucky team-- they're winning by 20! If Kentucky is this bad, sweet lord
5:26 Left in the Second Half
Uncle D: As the lead analyst, Greg Anthony now gets to display a informational graphic with a playful name that characterizes him some way. Since he played point guard, we are treated to a analytical screen entitled "Greg Anthony's 'Point' of View." I like it, however, I believe it would have more resonance if it were more accurate. I recommend, "Greg Anthony's 'Back Up Point' of View"
Brooks: I personally like "Greg Anthony's Kidney's To the Game"
5:06 Left in the Second
Brooks: Tom Crean's Wish List for Santa:
1) Plenty of booze
2) Plenty of Tums for the stomaches this team causes
3) A Point Guard
4) A Shooting Guard
5) A Small Forward
6) A Power Forward
7) A Center
8) 5-7 servicable role players
3:46 Left in the 2nd Half
Uncle D: So far the most entertaining part of this game was the 9 minutes that were preempted by coverage of the Memphis-Georgetown game.
11:00 Left in the Second
Brooks: Anthony just reminded the audience that UK is most successful when they attack the paint. Frustrated, Tom Crean shouts to him, "No shit, my tallest player is 5'6" and female."
I've realized that if I'm going to finish this game, I've got to start drinking
7:49 Left in the 2nd Half
Uncle D: Greg Anthony implies that Indiana is not playing with the sense of urgency needed to get back into this game. Unbeknowngst to Anthony, The Hoosiers actually are, they are just that slow.
6:46 Left in the Second
Brooks: Are they seriously going to show this whole game? There isn't another game, somewhere, that they can cut to!??!
By the way, this is how bad IU is. Kentucky is up by 20 points, and Greg Anthony has spent the last 4 minutes going into painful details about all the problems with the Kentucky team-- they're winning by 20! If Kentucky is this bad, sweet lord
5:26 Left in the Second Half
Uncle D: As the lead analyst, Greg Anthony now gets to display a informational graphic with a playful name that characterizes him some way. Since he played point guard, we are treated to a analytical screen entitled "Greg Anthony's 'Point' of View." I like it, however, I believe it would have more resonance if it were more accurate. I recommend, "Greg Anthony's 'Back Up Point' of View"
Brooks: I personally like "Greg Anthony's Kidney's To the Game"
5:06 Left in the Second
Brooks: Tom Crean's Wish List for Santa:
1) Plenty of booze
2) Plenty of Tums for the stomaches this team causes
3) A Point Guard
4) A Shooting Guard
5) A Small Forward
6) A Power Forward
7) A Center
8) 5-7 servicable role players
3:46 Left in the 2nd Half
Uncle D: So far the most entertaining part of this game was the 9 minutes that were preempted by coverage of the Memphis-Georgetown game.
Also, Kentucky's Patrick Patterson is now playing like the first eighth grader to reach puberty. He just grabbed a rebound while getting boxed out by the entire Indiana "team," held it over his head for a moment while they flailed at his waist, and then dunked. Hopefully his acne will clear before the Dance.
Brooks: Verne just went into the break with, "3:46 to go, and we are in Rupp Arena." Looks like someone just woke up from his blackout, read the name on the court, and is shocked that he isn't at a relevant game yet
With the game no longer in doubt, Billy Gillespie feels confident enough to put in the middle schooler that he offered a scholarship to last spring. Gillespie pulls him out, however, when he realized that the player isn't even using his retainer even though he explained to him how much time and effort the school went to in order to make his teeth straight
1:53 Left in the Game
Brooks: We have our Chevy player's of the game from each team. Combined, they totaled 18 points this game. Looks like these two Cinderella's are going to have pretty full dance cards come March!
1:41 Left in the Game
Brooks: Somewhere, a CBS producer is debating whether to show the end of this game, or the preview special for the 2009 Fed Ex Cup-- only on CBS
1:31 Left in the Game
Brooks: I'm glad to see that Crean's roster actually reflects the city of Indianapolis-- one or two black guys in the middle, then a bunch of white guys around the perimeter.
18.6 Seconds Left in the Game
Brooks: Somehow, I'm actually a worse person for watching this entire game.
Someday, I swear I'll get to do one live blog where the team I care about actually wins
12 Seconds Left in the Game
Brooks: Apparently Indiana basketball has the self-esteem of a 13 year old girl, as Greg and Verne have spent the last five minutes re-assuring the team that they'll get better and soon enough they'll be back in contention. No word yet on whether they checked the "yes" or "no" box on the note that Indiana slipped them entitled "Do You Like Me?"
End of Game
Uncle D: Indiana is awful.
Brooks: This game is, thankfully, finally done. I'm now off to see LeBron play in one of his last appearances in Wine and Gold and not Knickerbocker blue.
I hate sports
Brooks: Verne just went into the break with, "3:46 to go, and we are in Rupp Arena." Looks like someone just woke up from his blackout, read the name on the court, and is shocked that he isn't at a relevant game yet
With the game no longer in doubt, Billy Gillespie feels confident enough to put in the middle schooler that he offered a scholarship to last spring. Gillespie pulls him out, however, when he realized that the player isn't even using his retainer even though he explained to him how much time and effort the school went to in order to make his teeth straight
1:53 Left in the Game
Brooks: We have our Chevy player's of the game from each team. Combined, they totaled 18 points this game. Looks like these two Cinderella's are going to have pretty full dance cards come March!
1:41 Left in the Game
Brooks: Somewhere, a CBS producer is debating whether to show the end of this game, or the preview special for the 2009 Fed Ex Cup-- only on CBS
1:31 Left in the Game
Brooks: I'm glad to see that Crean's roster actually reflects the city of Indianapolis-- one or two black guys in the middle, then a bunch of white guys around the perimeter.
18.6 Seconds Left in the Game
Brooks: Somehow, I'm actually a worse person for watching this entire game.
Someday, I swear I'll get to do one live blog where the team I care about actually wins
12 Seconds Left in the Game
Brooks: Apparently Indiana basketball has the self-esteem of a 13 year old girl, as Greg and Verne have spent the last five minutes re-assuring the team that they'll get better and soon enough they'll be back in contention. No word yet on whether they checked the "yes" or "no" box on the note that Indiana slipped them entitled "Do You Like Me?"
End of Game
Uncle D: Indiana is awful.
Brooks: This game is, thankfully, finally done. I'm now off to see LeBron play in one of his last appearances in Wine and Gold and not Knickerbocker blue.
I hate sports
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