My Keys to the Game, 11-21-08

Not that anyone asked, but here are my keys to the games I'm most interested in this weekend.

Michigan v. Ohio State
I never thought that The Game would ever be so under the radar in my lifetime. But with Michigan way down, Ohio State not in the national title picture, and the Big 10 doing its best impression of Corky from Facts Of Life by keeping its season finale two weeks before everyone else, no one seems to really care about The Game. Here's what I'm watching for:

Michigan Front 7 v. Beanie Wells: Just pop in the tape from last year, and you'll see why. He ran for 222 yards and 2 TDs in a 14-3 Buckeyes win in Ann Arbor. I find it hard to believe that Ohio State is going to put the game in a freshmen QB's hands, so Pryor will have a very vanilla gameplan (note: I refuse to use the phrase, "Hand a Freshmen the keys." That sounds like something that Mark May would say, and since I'm a human being capable of basic cognition, I'm above that). They kept it very conservative in the Penn State game, and Pryor has seen absolutely nothing like the pressure he'll face this week from the media, teammates, or fellow students. It's going to be a healthy dose of 2002 Tressel offense-- a lot of runs between the tackles.

Nick Sheridan: The Michigan offense is awful. Awful. Second to last in the Big 10 in any offensive category with an offensive coach is ridiculous, let alone 10th in total offense. If that wasn't bad enough, they now put in the backup QB who has already lost the job once this season. Mgoblog.com has pointed out that the run game hasn't been awful this year (avg. 4 yards per carry), so all the pressure is on Sheridan to throw passes, but here's the kicker: throw them accurately and to the right team. It's the holy trinity of offensive competency, and Michigan would like to have it once this season.

Prediction: Too scared to say out loud what will happen.

Texas Tech v. Oklahoma
If I hear the phrase "de facto National Semi-Final Game," I might bomb Bristol, CT. It's stupid, it implies there are four teams and that all four are one game away from the National Title game. So until we get teams 1-4 playing each other in the Big 12/SEC/ACC title games, it's not a semi final. Dear lord that infuriates me. Stop thinking you're subtle and clever when you say this, media, we get it, you want a playoff.

Texas Tech O Line: They have been unreal this year, virtually giving Harrell all the time he could possibly want to find a receiver. They already have enough talent at WR, including our pick for the Heisman in Crabtree, and now Harrell can wait for 5 or 6 seconds for any of his 5 targets to get open. If they can keep it up this week and force OU to start bringing blitzers and prevent OU from dropping 7 into coverage, Harrell will eat them alive.

Austin Cox: Oklahoma's defense has not been the same since Ryan Reynolds came out with a torn ACL in the Texas game. Oklahoma was a solid but not great defense, since then it's been servicable at best. There numbers look bad because they give up a lot of points when their offense has already won the game, but the fact is they need a stellar defensive effort to beat Texas Tech. If Cox plays the game of his life and we see the defense that played the first half of the Texas game, then Oklahoma will walk away in the middle of the national title picture.

Prediction: OU 113, TT 111

Washington v. Washington State
Yep, this is the third most interesting game of the weekend. Want to know why? Because this might very well be the worst game in the history of Divionson 1-A (I'll call it FBS right after Slash and Axl go on tour together, playing nothing but Appetite for Destruction, along with Patience and November Rain, and dedicate Sweet Child O Mine to me every night for an entire tour. Onus is on you, Axl). That's right: this is the arguably the worst game since Georgia Tech beat Cumberland College 222-0 in 1916. Let's go to my key matchup in the Battle for the Apple Cup.

God's Sense of Mercy v. God's Sense of Irony: that's right, there is nothing any player can do on the field. When you have two BCS schools playing each other with a combined total of 0 wins against D-1A (Onus is on you, Axl, will you deliver?), the players cease to be a factor. On the one hand, God could mercifully deliver a great game for these fans. After all, if you are so dedicated to your school to travel to his game, you should at least be entertained. On the other hand, God has shown us his sick sense of humor many times before-- the Duckbilled Platypus, giving Rosie O'Donnell getting a live primetime series, the entire state of North Dakota-- and he could reveal it again in this game. Can you imagine the hilarity that would ensue if this game ended in a tie? What if both teams somehow walk away from this game winless? I know there's OT, but just suspend disbelief and imagine with me. Tie game, and then lightening delays OT so they just give up? Actually, you know what, the true act of mercy by God for the fans would be for both teams to play the game to a 0-0 tie with running clock and no halftime. Be merciful to your fans and let them leave after just an hour. My god, this will be the athletic equivalent of the nuclear war. I'm not sure who wins, but at the end of the day, we'll all wish our eyes had melted.

My only wish for this game is that we should add to the suspense by allowing the winning coach to fire the vanquished leader. Let's be honest, if you lose to either of these teams you deserve to be fired, and honestly it would give the winning coach a few seconds of joy before they are also ultimately fired next week.

Prediction: Washington 2, Wazzou 0. It's not a tie, but I also don't believe either team is competent enough to score, but incompetent enough to snap a punt through the uprights