College Football's Best Rivalries

Ahh, the joys of rivalry week: the fans, the mascots, the unadulterated drunken debauchery between co-eds just exiting their sexual peak. It is truly a magical time in the fall. I’ve already tried to define what makes a rivalry great (if by some chance you missed that gem, feel free to click here), so now it is time to reflect on what the greatest rivalries are in college football.

Here are, in ascending order, the unquestioned ranking of the five best rivalries in college football.

5. Texas-Oklahoma

Why It’s A Great Rivalry: Two storied programs? Check. Two teams consistently playing for BCS bowl berths? Check. Cool nickname for the match up? Red River Shootout (Suck it, PC Police, we use old school names here). Check. A storied rivalry? Played 98 times between 1900 and 2008, so check and check.

Cool Fact about the rivalry: In 1976, UT Coach Darrell Royal and OU Coach Barry Switzer were involved in such a huge feud, that when President Ford attended the rivalry and asked to meet both head coaches, the two coaches would only talk to the President and not each other.

Why it’s not the best rivalry: Three big problems with this matchup. First of all, they award a trophy to the winner of each game. It’s called the Ten Gallon Hat, and spoiler alert, it’s a giant golden hat. Give me a break, if you need to come up with a crappy trophy to get people excited about your game, it’s not a great epic rivalry. Second, it’s played at a neutral site. This is total crap. Great rivalries are played in front of tremendously hostile crowds, not some amicably divided stadium.

Third, and most importantly, they are not each other’s only rival! Texas also claims that A&M is their rival, OU also has the “Bedlam Battle” against Oklahoma State. It seems that this rivalry only really matters to the fans when both teams are good. Not acceptable.

4. Harvard-Yale

Why is this a great rivalry? First of all, the rivalry has a nickname. This is always a huge plus for any rivalry. If your hatred for the other school is so intense that you cannot even refer to the other team by name, then you got something going on there. In this case, it is the simple nickname of “The Game.” Obviously, with this nickname, they fit criteria number one. They have played over 125 times making it the second longest rivalry in college sports, they were the first intercollegiate football game, not to mention Mr. Burns has made several references to his hatred for the Crimson on the Simpsons, all of which makes it a great rivalry.

Other cool fact: The Game was so violent in 1894, that the two schools suspended play and President Teddy “I Shoot All Kinds of Crazy Shit” Roosevelt actually considered outlawing the sport entirely.

Why it’s not the best rivalry: Umm, it’s the Ivy League. Not a BCS conference, not the Mountain West, not even good enough for the 1-AA playoffs. Also, since these alums go to the opposition for graduate school, the hatred must be limited to a “grudging respect.”

3. Auburn-Alabama

Why It’s a Great Rivalry: It is without question the best rivalry in an entire region—no other battle in the South can get close to this game. It has the cross state rivalry aspect to it, which is always intense. It is also historically a very even battle, with Auburn having won 33 times and Alabama 38 times. You also have one of college footballs most iconic figures involved with Coach Bear Bryant, which gives the game a timeless element. I’ll also quote Logs, a Bama alum, about the game: “It's a great dynamic because they're in the same state and same conference. I've never seen two schools hate each other as much as these two. It's really overlooked in the media, especially recently since the Saban-LSU dynamic has created a rivalry of it's own. There is definitely a rivalry between LSU and Alabama, but the hatred probably lies mainly with the LSU fans. Growing up in Tennessee, you hear about nothing except the Tennessee Alabama game, but upon going to Bama for grad school, I was amazed at how the fans don't like Tennessee, but absolutely hate Auburn.”

Rivalry cool fact: The two schools suspended the rivalry from 1907-1948, and it actually took the Alabama State Legislature to pass a referendum to convince the two schools to bring the rivalry back.

Why It’s Not the Best Rivalry: First of all, they foolishly put the game at a neutral site for 40 years after they brought the game back in 1948. Putting the game in Birmingham might have given the matchup it’s a great title, but it hurts in the rivalry ratings system. Second, this has historically not been a matchup of national title contenders. Alabama is, historically, the greatest football program in the South. They’ve won 12 National Titles, 21 SEC Titles, and have the 7th most wins of any Division 1 program. Auburn, on the other hand, has only one National Title (1957, so back when Commies were a threat), and have only 6 SEC Titles. Really, Auburn only became a good football school when Pat Dye came to the school in the 1980s. So, while it’s a great rivalry, it’s not the greatest rivalry.

2. Army-Navy

Why It’s A Great Rivalry: Umm, let’s put it this way. In what other rivalry do the President’s of both schools actually require attendance by the entire student body? That’s intense. Some other reason that this rivalry is great:
- The President of the United States comes
- The pageantry of both student bodies processing into the stadium
- Both teams cheers actually are not only about them, but also their opponent. You don’t just say “Go Army,” by itself, you have to include “Beat Navy.”
- Every weight plate in the Navy weight room actually says “Beat Army” on it
- Evenly matched, with Navy having a 52-49 advantage
- Players on both sides are not only trained in killing human beings, but they also have government sanctions to use these skills.
Finally, what’s really cool about this game is that usually it’s the last game of the year for both teams. These are not bowl-bound teams normally, so this game really becomes the bowl game for each team.

Cool Fact about the Rivalry: Instant replay debuted in this game in 1963.

Why It’s Not the Best Rivalry: Many people will focus on the talent on this issue, but not me, I think that the history and pageantry more than make up for the lack of All-Americans. My problem with this matchup is what happens after the game ends. At the conclusion of the game, both teams go out into the middle of the field and sing each other’s alma maters together. Are you kidding me?!?! I never knew trained assassins could be such pussies. Way too much respect for your opponent to be the best rivalry, in my infallible opinion.

1. Michigan-Ohio State

Why It’s the Best Rivalry: Two of the most storied programs in the nation are involved in this annual bloodbath. Between them, they have won 18 National Titles and 77 Big Ten Titles. On 23 different occasions, the game has decided which of the two teams would win the Big 10 title, so it is more or less the Big 10 Title Game year after year. They have played 105 times and didn’t even pause during World War II. Sorry, Nazis, but we’ve got a game to play. They have two of the greatest coaches on either side in Bo Schembechler and Woody Hayes, whose rivalry was so intense that they called their matchup the “Ten Year War.”

Fun Fact: When Woody Hayes questioned by the media why he went for 2 in the fourth quarter of the 1968 game despite having a 50-14 lead, Hayes responded, “Because I couldn’t go for three.” Wow.

Why It’s Not: From 1835 to 1836, the state of Michigan and the state of Ohio waged war over the territory surrounding Toledo, Ohio. The Game is considered to simply be a continuation of this war. So this game is actually based on a literal war. Wait, does this only further prove that it’s the best rivalry in college football? This matchup dominates the competition