Let's Define What A Rivalry Is

So, we have officially entered "Rivalry Week" on ESPN. These are the biggest games of the year for teams, the games the fans are most blinded(ly drunk) about their opponents, the games that I watch every year and think "Man, am I friends with Morgan Freeman? Because this game is definitely going on my bucket list!" In fact, these have gotten so big, TV has actually expanded rivalry weekend to include a second Saturday. Even this deluxe edition with special features is not enough for the media, however, as it seems that the guys on GameDay, SI and other sites play the rivalry card every week. Last week, Foxsports claimed that Oklahoma-Texas Tech was a rivalry "because Texas Tech has won two out of the last three meetings." That's it? Winning twice makes a match-up a rivalry?

I spent 10 minutes brainstorming games I remember different media outlets billing as rivalry games, and came up with 40 without much thought. 40? Almost one per state, are you kidding me?! I checked out two random teams fan sites-- Tennessee and Clemson-- and they had a combined listing of 10 rivalry games. This has got to stop. It's time to establish what a rivalry is, and who actually falls into these categories.

Defining a Rivalry
Not every game is a rivalry. Not every conference game is a rivalry. Not every big game is a rivalry. Not every game the pits two teams from the same or adjacent states is a rivalry. Rivalries are special and rarely occur. We insult the true rivalries by using this term so loosely.

1) Both Sides Must Agree this is a Rivalry
This sounds basic, but it is pivotal in deciding what is a rivalry and what is simply a game that you think is big because you hate the other team. Are you listening Texas Tech, Minnesota, Michigan State and everyone else like you? You may hate Texas, Michigan, and Notre Dame respectively, you may have played them for decades, you may stab photos of the opposing coach with disease infected needles, you may even use the opposing teams logo for toilet paper the week of the game. Hate does not necessarily create a rivalry. It's important, but it doesn't create the rivalry. Both sides have to agree that it's a rivalry. That means that the other team must hate you as much as you hate them, which also means that both sides legitimately have a chance to win each year. If you're Missouri and haven't won in Texas in over a century, you cannot call it a rivalry.

For further evidence, let's turn to Saved By the Bell. Particularly, Senior Year (season 4), episode 62, entitled "The Bayside Triangle" (original airdate: 26 Sept. 1992). While I am certain you all also had no life in middle school and recall this beautiful written, 24 minute teen drama, allow me to refresh you: in order to earn her acceptance into the Fashion Institute of Technology-- FYI it is actually a real school in case, like me, you thought Peter Engel Productions made it up-- Lisa has to put on a fashion show for the admissions council. Sensing that shenanigans were certain to ensue, Lisa turns to Zack for help. Zack once again demonstrates his ability to think outside the box by selecting The Max as the location for said show (tragically, Ed Alonzo's magic was once again edited out post-production). Formulaic episode, right? Wrong! Here's the kicker: Zack and Lisa end up making out! Screech, who had strong, strong feelings for Lisa, challenges Zack to a fight and famously rips his shirt. What happens in the fight? I believe you'll find out after you drop $29.95 at Amazon for the complete series collection. Peter Engel: this is not free advertising, hint hint.

Why do I bring this up? The next time Zack went after a girl, do you think he was really worried about Screech? Do you think that he waited for Screech to fall in love with Violet (a young Tori Spelling), and then went after Violet to spite Screech? No. Zack never thought about it again. Want to know why? Because no matter how much he hated Zack, Screech was never a rival in Zack's eyes. Screech could never beat him, Zack wasn't afraid or hated Screech, so it's not a rivalry. Here that Texas Tech fans? You are not AC Slater. You are an awkward, adolescent Dustin Diamond. Pre-porn yes, but also pre-pubescent.

2) There Can Be Only One Rivalry
This is a huge factor in my definition of a rivalry. You cannot have more than one rival. You can have one rival, and then as many number of games that you either hate the opponent or really want to win each year as you want. Here that, basically every school in the SEC right now? Magically, it seems that every time that the Coach, the Host, the Heisman Winner, and the Body show up at an SEC game, amazingly, the home fans start trumpeting what a rivalry the game is. LSU v. Kentucky? Historic! Remember, LSU once beat Kentucky four years ago on a Hail Mary! Vanderbilt v. Arkansas? How could that not conjure up images of National Title games past!? No. I'm only allowed one wife, one religion, and one chance to lose my virginity. So, until I can watch three of my wives make love to each other while I say the Hail Mary during my Bar Mitzvah in order to receive the powers of Hera, you only get one rival. During the Cold War, our only rival was the Soviet Union. Yes, you are only 90 miles away and hate us for our freedom and blockading capabilities, Cuba, but at the end of the day Rocky fought Ivan Drago, not Juan Ramirez.

In fact, if you are a true rivalry, that week before you play your rival almost becomes a season in and of itself. Ultimately, you want your school to go undefeated both seasons: the first ten weeks of the year and in the rivalry game. However, losing during the season will not lead to a coach getting Ty Willinghamed. Losing the rivalry season will--just ask John Cooper's agent. When you hear fans say they'd rather go winless and beat (insert team name here) than go undefeated but lose to (insert same team name here), then you have a rivalry. The best example of this is the Army-Navy game. Ask anyone who went played for, coached for, or attended these schools what is most important to them. Without a doubt, they'll say beating the other one (sorry Air Force, you're Screech in this group of adorable and spunky teens). In fact, this is such a rivalry, that the weights that the players on Army use all off season say "BEAT NAVY" all across them. Same with Navy. That's obsession-- that's a rivalry.

3) It Must Be Historic
Rivalries are timeless. In order to be timeless, your rivalry has to be older than me, and preferably existed before my Dad graduated from high school. This means the game must predate 1970. Sorry, every team in the state of Florida, this means you fall short of the list. Florida State didn't matter until after Bobby "Gee Whiz" Bowden arrived in 1976, Miami didn't matter until Howard Schellenberger arrived in 1979, Florida didn't matter until Steve "I'm a Giant Penis" Spurrier arrived in 1989. Big games? Yes. Games that over the last twenty years have had national title significance? Yes. Old players in wheel chairs with emphysema tanks desperately trying to build up the effort to say to some 18 year old recruit, "What's your record against Miami?" Nope, sorry. Schools like the Florida colleges have to wait until my kids are talking intelligently about football with me to be a rivalry. It's not just Florida, people confuse recent games for rivalries all the time. For years, I used to think that Michigan-Notre Dame was a rivalry. When I started watching in the late 80s, it seemed like a rivalry because every year that two teams were ranked in the top 5 when they met. This match up didn't start until the 80s, however, so even though I will punch Raghib "Crotch Rocket" Ismail ( Step 1: punch in face; Step 2) punch in balls; Step 3) repeat until arm grows tired or police use tasers) if I ever meet him for the pain he caused me as a youth, it's not a rivalry.

Along with this point, you also have to play the team every year for it to be a rivalry. I had to add this one after Texas and Arkansas played this year. Yes, I understand you were conference opponents in the Southwestern Conference back when we as a nation were concerned with "who shot JR." Congratulations. I'm not worried about that anymore nor do I care about your game. I have better things to worry about. Things like whether Tony Soprano died in the final episode (note to self, add spoiler alert at start of previous pop culture reference) and whether Sarah Connor can possibly protect her son in the TV series long enough for him to survive, become Christian Bale, and lead the human race when T4 the movie hits theaters in 2009. Rivalries are played every year. Big games can take a season or decade off every now and again.

4) It Should Have National Significance
This is the least important, and in many ways isn't even important at all to the list. After all, Army-Navy is clearly a rivalry, and it hasn't had National Title significance since movie theaters debuted talkies. Rather than making this one a requirement to a rivalry, this is like Otto the Bus Driver needing drugs at a Pink Floyd Laser Light Show-- it doesn't make the rivalry, it only enhances it. After all, the last thing any rivalry ever wants to become is their region's version of the Civil War. What, you ask, there is a rivalry called the Civil War? Yes, the battle for the state of Oregon between the schools in Eugene and Corvallis. What, you again ask in disbelief and horror, there's a rivalry in the state of Oregon? Yes, and it is apparently huge, and according to most accounts it's a great time. It's a rivalry, but it's just not meaningful to anyone whose area code doesn't start with 503, 541, or 971. This makes it a rivalry, just not a great one. This is the "My So Called Life" effect. Just because a rivalry is critically acclaimed doesn't mean that it matters. If you have to go to the game to get that it's a rivalry, well, congratulations, that's the same marketing campaign the NHL has used to get TV contracts for the past fifteen years.