I am currently wearing my Michigan shirt, have some pizza and chips ready, and have not begun drinking. I'm watching the game with my friend and fellow Michigan fan Clark, and we have spent the last forty minutes trying to talk ourselves into believing in this upset. I'm on board, he is not.
Enjoy.
15:00 Left in the First
Brooks: So Paul McGuire just said he didn't realize this game was a rivalry. I hate him as much as I hate taffy. And I'm a man who hates his taffy
11:09 Left in the First
Brooks: You have got to be kidding me. Great play by the defense to get the INT, and then the offense decides that the word "suck" up to this point does not have a proper meaning so they are going to redefine the term. First and 10 from the 12 yard line, and 0 points?! WHAT?!?! This is unreal, defense made a play and the offense was beyond words bad.
I also enjoy McGuire pointing out that the offense waited too long to call a play on 3rd and 10. Really. Have you never seen a game with the spread before? They always go no huddle and wait until the last ten seconds to snap the ball so they can adjust based on what the defense shows them. How is it that I know this, and he doesn't when it's his job?
8:14 Left in the First
Brooks: You have got to be kidding me. Great play by the defense to get the INT, and then the offense decides that the word "suck" up to this point does not have a proper meaning so they are going to redefine the term. First and 10 from the 12 yard line, and 0 points?! WHAT?!?! This is unreal, defense made a play and the offense was beyond words bad.
I also enjoy McGuire pointing out that the offense waited too long to call a play on 3rd and 10. Really. Have you never seen a game with the spread before? They always go no huddle and wait until the last ten seconds to snap the ball so they can adjust based on what the defense shows them. How is it that I know this, and he doesn't when it's his job?
3:57 Left in the First
Brooks: Wait, what year is it? I thought Beanie Wells ran for a sixty yard touchdown when somehow Michigan had no second level of defense last year. Well, it happened again. Tressel had started to panic and had gone crazy conservative after failing on the first three drives-- which was amazing on their part-- and then blew it.
Hope you like running the ball, fans, because Ohio State is going to start playing the clock game now.
First Quarter Thoughts
Brooks: Thankfully, this game is 25% over. It was just painful to watch.
Defensively, Michigan is doing a great job. They have shut off Pryor on the run, have hit him three times, and have picked him off. The big run to Wells was obviously awful, but with 3 minutes left in the quarter OSU was only averaging .6 yards per play. Hard to argue with that.
The offense, on the other hand, is beyond words. Michigan can't do anything down field, are committing penalties, and in general are doing their best to make me want to scoop my eyes out with a spoon. If that wasn't enough, the Ohio State defense is playing awesome. The secondary is in blanket coverage on all their receivers and tackling well on Michigan's screens. Laurenitis is also all over the field, if only someone in the media could come up with some clever zoological name to describe how plays the game. Oh well.
13:10 Left in the Half
Brooks: Game over.
The thought of Michigan scoring more than 9 points is so inconceivable it will actually make your head explode if you try to even imagine it. Since Ohio State has now scored 14 points, they've won. Michigan's only hope now is to keep it within fifty.
12:07 Left in the Half
Uncle D: Well ABC just came back from the break showing a shot of the Ohio State drum line. Perhaps, this is where Michigan can contribute to the rivalry this afternoon at Halftime as they have a brash new drummer who plays by his own rhythm and own rules. Rumors are circulating however that he can't read music . . .
9:19 Left in the Half
Uncle D: Despite having it in front of them the entire half, Paul Maguire seems surprised when his colleague reveals the answer to the Aflac Trivia question. Also, if Michigan was the first school to seemingly ironically perform "Ohio," then why would Ohio State embrace it. That would be like Dave Coulier ditching his Popeye impression and singing a cover of "You Oughta Know"
Ohio State goes for it on 4th and 3 and Terrell Pryor throws a duck of a down field ball that looked like it was shot out of a T-Shirt gun. Michigan takes over.
Brooks: Thanks to my friends at Aflac, I just learned that the Michigan band was actually the first band to ever do Script Ohio. So take that, Buckeyes.
7:59 Left in the Half
Brooks: Michigan has a first down!
5:10 Left in the Half
Uncle D: Minor takes it down to the one yard line after a decent ball fake. He returns to the sideline where RichRod greets him by saying "nice run Slayton." It's 1st and Goal for Michigan however a 3 has already been put on the scoreboard.
2:51 Left in the Half
Brooks: That drive was huge for Michigan. 65 yard drive, Sheridan had a 14 yard pass and Brandon Minor had a number of really good carries. I give RichRod a lot of credit on that drive for going for it on fourth down twice, including once in the red zone. It's nice to see a coach who realizes field goals aren't going to win it in big games (Romeo Crennel, read that sentence again). The other big thing is that the drive gave the defense a break and a sign that it's worth it to keep fighting OSU.
Uncle D: Well, Michigan finally gains one yard on its fourth play at the goal line. Touchdown Brandon Minor. This is a big improvement as it usually takes six. The game is now 14-7 and we are treated to the first "Minor"/"Major" play-on words of the game from the anchor of ABC's College Football's B-Team
1:09 Left in the Half
Bitter looking sideline reporter Stacy Dale informs us that the Ohio State offense is now galvanized after the Michigan touchdown. After three plays, the special teams appears equally as excited to cover the ensuing punt
Halftime
Uncle D: RichRod is a genius. Intentionally taking a delay of game penalty is the kind of move that gets other coaches on the hot seat, however it gives his punter just enough room to bury Ohio St. on it's own 1, shattering any hopes they had to take a knee to end the half. Terrell Pryor luckily surges the pile forward on a QB sneak to run out the clock and preserve the 14-7 lead. Halftime.
Brooks: 14-7 OSU at half. I'm not exactly sure how the Michigan team led by Nick Sheridan has outscored last years team featuring Chad Henne, Jake Long and Mike Hart, but it has happened. That half was pretty much like watching a Scrubs re-run. When you come across Scrubs on Comedy Central, you are always like, "Eh, this works." You're never unsatisfied with the comedic performance and watching JD's sexuality slowly evolve over the course of the show, but on the other hand it's not exactly a show you'd want to own on DVD. That's pretty much this game. It's good, but it's not exactly exciting. Do you like Off Tackle running play and wide receiver screens? No, no one does. It's just a bunch of 3 yards and a cloud of black rubber field turf pellets of dust, and Jim Tressel turning another game into a battle of field position.
By the way, Jim Tressel's transformation into Lloyd Carr is definitely progressing well. Once again in a big game, his game plan is tight and extremely conservative. With Hartline and Robiskie going against the Michigan secondary, how do you not air it out more? They threw two bombs, but other than that and a couple of medium range throws in the middle, it's been all running backs and it's allowing Michigan to stay in the game. Look out, Columbus, after the first years of success with Jim you're on the verge of a series of 5 loss seasons and clever media folk spelling his name TresselLLLL
Halftime Chatter
Uncle D: Things are getting chippy between Louisville and West VA. The teams get into a quasi-shoving match at midfield prior to the game. John Saunders conjectures that it is a rivalry but Craig James responds as if to say "nope, they're just hopeless assholes, John"
Brooks: Thanks to my friends at Aflac, I just learned that the Michigan band was actually the first band to ever do Script Ohio. So take that, Buckeyes.
7:59 Left in the Half
Brooks: Michigan has a first down!
5:10 Left in the Half
Uncle D: Minor takes it down to the one yard line after a decent ball fake. He returns to the sideline where RichRod greets him by saying "nice run Slayton." It's 1st and Goal for Michigan however a 3 has already been put on the scoreboard.
2:51 Left in the Half
Brooks: That drive was huge for Michigan. 65 yard drive, Sheridan had a 14 yard pass and Brandon Minor had a number of really good carries. I give RichRod a lot of credit on that drive for going for it on fourth down twice, including once in the red zone. It's nice to see a coach who realizes field goals aren't going to win it in big games (Romeo Crennel, read that sentence again). The other big thing is that the drive gave the defense a break and a sign that it's worth it to keep fighting OSU.
Uncle D: Well, Michigan finally gains one yard on its fourth play at the goal line. Touchdown Brandon Minor. This is a big improvement as it usually takes six. The game is now 14-7 and we are treated to the first "Minor"/"Major" play-on words of the game from the anchor of ABC's College Football's B-Team
1:09 Left in the Half
Bitter looking sideline reporter Stacy Dale informs us that the Ohio State offense is now galvanized after the Michigan touchdown. After three plays, the special teams appears equally as excited to cover the ensuing punt
Halftime
Uncle D: RichRod is a genius. Intentionally taking a delay of game penalty is the kind of move that gets other coaches on the hot seat, however it gives his punter just enough room to bury Ohio St. on it's own 1, shattering any hopes they had to take a knee to end the half. Terrell Pryor luckily surges the pile forward on a QB sneak to run out the clock and preserve the 14-7 lead. Halftime.
Brooks: 14-7 OSU at half. I'm not exactly sure how the Michigan team led by Nick Sheridan has outscored last years team featuring Chad Henne, Jake Long and Mike Hart, but it has happened. That half was pretty much like watching a Scrubs re-run. When you come across Scrubs on Comedy Central, you are always like, "Eh, this works." You're never unsatisfied with the comedic performance and watching JD's sexuality slowly evolve over the course of the show, but on the other hand it's not exactly a show you'd want to own on DVD. That's pretty much this game. It's good, but it's not exactly exciting. Do you like Off Tackle running play and wide receiver screens? No, no one does. It's just a bunch of 3 yards and a cloud of black rubber field turf pellets of dust, and Jim Tressel turning another game into a battle of field position.
By the way, Jim Tressel's transformation into Lloyd Carr is definitely progressing well. Once again in a big game, his game plan is tight and extremely conservative. With Hartline and Robiskie going against the Michigan secondary, how do you not air it out more? They threw two bombs, but other than that and a couple of medium range throws in the middle, it's been all running backs and it's allowing Michigan to stay in the game. Look out, Columbus, after the first years of success with Jim you're on the verge of a series of 5 loss seasons and clever media folk spelling his name TresselLLLL
Halftime Chatter
Uncle D: Things are getting chippy between Louisville and West VA. The teams get into a quasi-shoving match at midfield prior to the game. John Saunders conjectures that it is a rivalry but Craig James responds as if to say "nope, they're just hopeless assholes, John"
A Halftime Conversation between Uncle D and Brooks revealed the following:
--Craig James is not famous for being a studio analyst or playing at SMU, he is famous for having a son who has caught two balls for Texas Tech this year, both 4 yard outs. James will now spend the rest of the game making a scouting reel of his son on his MacBook to either "Simply the Best" or "Do You Believe in Magic"--he has yet to decide.
--Only a few moments into the game, and Florida already has a 14-0 lead on the Citadel. My dad, a Citadel alum who went to Homecoming in Charleston last weekend, is sitting in his chair at home not surprised
--Big Ten Conference commercials boast stereotypical accuracy. The most recent ad depicts various shots of people wearing Big 10 school colors in various settings (ie white people in a cornfield & black people in an urban environs) It can now be said unequivocally that this recent campaign possesses a gritty realism television has not seen since the departure of "The Wire" or an inherent racism reminiscent of "All in the Family"
Incidentally, a Ohio St running back not named Beanie just went ghost face from midfield making the score 21-7. The announcers proclaim that is as quick as a 91 yard drive you can have . . . without a B Button
11:04 Left in the Third
Hoogs: I don't know what is more obnoxious: the fact that I am at work on Saturday and am forced to check in on college football periodically, or Ohio State's fight song. Seriously.
If Michigan doesn't score a touchdown on their next possession--on a big play that fires them up--then this game is over and we can start to get ready for the other Big 10 game that most of the nation doesn't care about today.
Brooks: Great opening to the half, I'm sure just what RichRod drew up on the board. Get the ball to the Ohio State forty, this time opt not to take the delay of game call just to keep things interesting, and pin Ohio State inside their own fifteen. Then, allow Ohio State to score on two running plays. Brilliant. You can't teach that, it's instinctual.
4:00 Left in the Third
Uncle D: Ray Small just took a punt 81 yards to the Michigan 10 yard line. Those viewers clamoring for an announcer to say something ridiculous along the lines of "Small makes a Big play" are decidedly disappointed as they are just treated to some commentary as to why he was recently suspended.
11:04 Left in the Third
Hoogs: I don't know what is more obnoxious: the fact that I am at work on Saturday and am forced to check in on college football periodically, or Ohio State's fight song. Seriously.
If Michigan doesn't score a touchdown on their next possession--on a big play that fires them up--then this game is over and we can start to get ready for the other Big 10 game that most of the nation doesn't care about today.
Brooks: Great opening to the half, I'm sure just what RichRod drew up on the board. Get the ball to the Ohio State forty, this time opt not to take the delay of game call just to keep things interesting, and pin Ohio State inside their own fifteen. Then, allow Ohio State to score on two running plays. Brilliant. You can't teach that, it's instinctual.
4:00 Left in the Third
Uncle D: Ray Small just took a punt 81 yards to the Michigan 10 yard line. Those viewers clamoring for an announcer to say something ridiculous along the lines of "Small makes a Big play" are decidedly disappointed as they are just treated to some commentary as to why he was recently suspended.
Touchdown to Robeiskie. 28-7 Ohio State. ABC shows pre-game coverage of Robeiskie greeting his parents on the field during Senior Day ceremonies. His father, Terry, is seen slipping his coaching resume to Jim Tressell.
Brooks: Ray Small just had a 81 yard punt return. Somewhere in downtown Cleveland, his father is still calling Tressel racist and insisting that the only reason his kid isn't in Heisman contention is that the OSU athletic department is involved in the most elaborate conspiracy theory since the OJ trial
2:04 Left in the Third
Hoogs: Nick(olette) Sheridan is down for the count. Won't say it's bad news for U of M, because it was never good news that he was their QB to begin with.
On to third string QB, Justin Feagin. The last name is pronounced Fay-genn. If he is anything like any of the other Fay-genns I know, then Big Blue is in Big Trouble.
End of the Third
Uncle D: History has been made as Pryor just overthrew a wide open Robieskie downfield. The two players just stare at each other for 10 seconds as to mutually acknowledge that that ball is usually 10 yards behind the receiver, who has to then wait for it, and gets hung out to dry.
Brooks: Ray Small just had a 81 yard punt return. Somewhere in downtown Cleveland, his father is still calling Tressel racist and insisting that the only reason his kid isn't in Heisman contention is that the OSU athletic department is involved in the most elaborate conspiracy theory since the OJ trial
2:04 Left in the Third
Hoogs: Nick(olette) Sheridan is down for the count. Won't say it's bad news for U of M, because it was never good news that he was their QB to begin with.
On to third string QB, Justin Feagin. The last name is pronounced Fay-genn. If he is anything like any of the other Fay-genns I know, then Big Blue is in Big Trouble.
End of the Third
Uncle D: History has been made as Pryor just overthrew a wide open Robieskie downfield. The two players just stare at each other for 10 seconds as to mutually acknowledge that that ball is usually 10 yards behind the receiver, who has to then wait for it, and gets hung out to dry.
Things immediately return to normal as, on the ensuing play, Pryor throws a ball at least 12 yards behind Schatzenbacher for a big play that could have been bigger, if he didn't have to sprint to come back and catch it.
Brooks: I'll spare you the analysis. Let's just leave it to this image: in the closing montage of the quarter, ABC was only able to put in a single Michigan highlight in the midst of all the Ohio State touchdowns. That highlight was the Roughing the Punter penalty Michigan drew to extend one drive by three more utterly meaningless plays.
13:08 Left in the Game
Uncle D: After another Ohio St. score to make it 35-7, Michigan avoids another 3 and out by fumbling it away on the ensuing kick-off. Todd Boekman peels himself off the bench and throws a touchdown on his first attempt. More impressive than the throw, is the number of Buckeye stickers he has on his helmet considering he hasn't played all year. He must have not returned his starter's key to the supply room. 42-7 Ohio State, douchers with smeared face paint go apeshit.
6:00 Left in RichRod's Tenure at Michigan
Uncle D: Bob Griese spends five minutes praising Todd Boekman as if he were the quarterbacking son he never had. Somewhere in Tampa, Brian is crying. Not over his father's apparent disapproval or even the score, but because he is currently backing up a man who thinks his football jersey makes him look matronly.
3:38 and Counting Left
Brooks: I just learned that Ohio State gives gold pants to seniors who beat Michigan in their final collegiate regular season game, and have done so for the past 75 years. Even Bob Griese is confused by this tradition
Uncle D: In a similar, yet unrelated story, Archie Griffin has been wearing gold pants since 1979 . . .
Re-Cap
Uncle D: Here is a rundown of what happened today:
13:08 Left in the Game
Uncle D: After another Ohio St. score to make it 35-7, Michigan avoids another 3 and out by fumbling it away on the ensuing kick-off. Todd Boekman peels himself off the bench and throws a touchdown on his first attempt. More impressive than the throw, is the number of Buckeye stickers he has on his helmet considering he hasn't played all year. He must have not returned his starter's key to the supply room. 42-7 Ohio State, douchers with smeared face paint go apeshit.
6:00 Left in RichRod's Tenure at Michigan
Uncle D: Bob Griese spends five minutes praising Todd Boekman as if he were the quarterbacking son he never had. Somewhere in Tampa, Brian is crying. Not over his father's apparent disapproval or even the score, but because he is currently backing up a man who thinks his football jersey makes him look matronly.
3:38 and Counting Left
Brooks: I just learned that Ohio State gives gold pants to seniors who beat Michigan in their final collegiate regular season game, and have done so for the past 75 years. Even Bob Griese is confused by this tradition
Uncle D: In a similar, yet unrelated story, Archie Griffin has been wearing gold pants since 1979 . . .
Re-Cap
Uncle D: Here is a rundown of what happened today:
--Paul Maguire left his keys to the game on his dresser.
--RichRod appeared confused at the start of the game as he devised a game plan for UCONN.
--Jim Tressell has creepy sunglasses that make him look like a Batman villain whose name I can't recall right now.
--After axing Pushing Daisies and Dirty Sexy Money, ABC is on the verge of canceling the Big 10.
Brooks: Paul MacGuire closes another flawless television performance with the following: "Those guys were really whacking it down there."
Too easy
Where Does This Fit In?
Sweater Vest Massacre
Too easy
Where Does This Fit In?
1. 
Tiananmen Square Massacre
2.
Boston Massacre
3.
St. Bartholomew's Day Massacre
4.
Columbine Massacre
5.
Sweater Vest Massacre
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