So, in an effort to bring you the insights of 4 college educated young men who at different stages of life have managed to have the box labled "gainfully employed" checked in their health club applications (which we then never used, damn Gold's Gym and their sexy, manipulating ads), we present you our predictions for the first round of the tournament. Disclaimer to all of you who are going to base your own brackets on what follows: Zach Braff has a better chance of reclaiming whatever remaining shred of masculinity his character on Scrubs had in Season 2 than we do of breaking our collective streak of never winning the tournament (no one's buying the new "Party of 5" stubble-beard, JD). But then again, according to trademarked logos at the bottom of my bracket, this tournament brings "Madness" so stranger things than us actually getting picks right has happened.
So, here are my predictions for the bracket, from top to bottom of the South region:
1 North Carolina v. 16 Radford: When I was in college, Radford had the highest rate herpes of any school in the country. Rumor had it that Radford also had the third highest rate of STD's of any school in the country. More startling, Kenyon was #1 for STDs! Have you seen girls there? They are hideous! I guess after 4 years around those hosebeasts, I'd do anything to get some too. Unfortunately, the Tar Heels aren't herpes, and you've got to be about more than suppression when taking on Tyler Hansborough (who is also a virus to pretty basketball everywhere). Long story short: UNC will win this despite Ty Lawson's bum toe.
8 LSU v 9 Butler: Two school's with storied histories. Shaq played at LSU 15 years ago, and Butler was the host of the title game in "Hoosiers." SEC basketball deserved fewer automatic teams in the NCAA tournament than the Big East gets in the BCS, so I cannot in good faith predict them to win. I'm going with the Bulldogs in this one.5 Illinois v 12 Western Kentucky: Every year it seems there is a 12-5 upset. Bruce Weber is one of the worst in-game coaches I have ever seen in a game. Last year, WKU pulled off the 12-5 upset over Drake, and went 24-8 this year. I was all set to make a joke about a friend of mine who grew up in Bowling Green, KY (the college town of WKU), but I'm changing my mind. Go Hilltoppers!
4 Gonzaga v 13 Akron: Akron is the hometown of the greatest basketball player alive, and by greatest I mean the man who I would literally let impregnate me if he re-signs with the Cavs in 2010 and wins multiple titles for my hometown, in LeBron James. His old coach is now the coach at Akron. Unfortunately, the play "Give it to the 6'9" 275 lb freshman and let him dunk" probably isn't in their repetoire. Also, the one year I won a bracket was in 1999 when I picked the Zags to make it to the Elite 8. Since then, like the guy who keeps his "lucky condom" in his wallet nearly a decade after his last sexual encounter, I have always picked the Zags. This year is no different.6 Arizona State v 11 Temple: Is John Chaney coaching this game? Dennis Erickson? Then what the hell do I care about this game? My bracket says I pick Arizona State. Smart money is on betting that everyone goes back to the work when this game is on.
3 Syracuse v 14 Stephen F Austin: Really? Are you kidding me? Syracuse gets a pity 3 seed because it went to 6 OTs with UConn. And you pit them against Stephen F. Austin, who is-- wait, what the hell am I even writing about them for? Syracuse wins because I don't believe Texas is a real state
7 Clemson v 10 Michigan: Hail, to the Victors Valient! Hail, to the Conquering Heroes! Hail! Hail to Michigan, the Leaders and Best! Michigan will win, mostly because I love them and I don't think Dabo coaches the men's basketball team (only that women's team in the fall that plays on Saturdays-- zing!)
2 Oklahoma v 15 Morgan State: Blake Griffin won player of the year. Jeff Capel hit a half court shot that sent Duke-UNC into OT, which means he won't blow it until at least the second round as a coach. Moragan State, yeah, I pretty much don't believe that's a real place. Oklahoma wins easily.
MIDWEST BRACKET
Uncle D:
1. Louisville vs. 16(a/b) Play-In Game Winner: I don't know which was more surprising, the NCAA Selection Committee's decision to deem Louisville the #1 overall seed in the tournament, or their bestowing undeserving Alabama State with the coveted 16a designation. Either way, Louisville is advancing and every college-aged douche is rooting for Morehead this evening.
8. Ohio State vs 9. Siena: Last weekend, Thad Motta's squad shed their bubble status by wining two games en route to a Big Ten Championship appearance despite attempting to run 75% of the offense through junior sensation Greg Oden. Something tells me Siena figures out Oden is a Trail Blazer before Motta does. Siena wins going away.
5. Utah vs. 12. Arizona: Utah coach Jim Boylen has perfected the traditional Pick-and-Doleac offense that has defined the program since the late 90's. His mastery will continue as Utah will rotate volleyball sensation and future New Jersey Net Chase Buddinger out of the tournament.
4. Wake Forest vs. 13. Cleveland State: Memphis Coach John Calipari said that, after reviewing the tape of Cleveland State's victory at Syracuse, Wake Forest can be upset. I think it's in the margins for a coach to opine on potential Tourney outcomes so long as they are not within his region. Apparently Rick Pitino does not feel the same way. I hope Pitino's new neighbor (think Scott Bakula in 'American Beauty') will invite him over to watch the rest of the tournament after the Deacons run all over him in the 16.
6. West Virginia vs. 11. Dayton: I don't know how to approach this match-up. On one hand, I have my Huggins Rule (not the punitive one that will some day be implemented by the NCAA) which dictates that he throws up all over himself in the tournament every other year. Last year, his Mountaineers defeated Duke en route to the Sweet 16 (he celebrated by not getting caught drunk driving) . Thus, by the stern dictates of the aforementioned rule, West Virginia is bound for a 1st round departure. However, I have picked Dayton to advance to the second round in each of their last three tournament appearances, only to see them get bounced and my bracket slightly disrupted. I am going to pick West Virginia because I still scream "You Just Got Pittsnoggled" every time I hit a three in someone's face, something that hasn't happened since Pittsnoggle was a sophomore.
3. Kansas vs North Dakota State: I believe Kansas will advance because Bill Self now knows how to win a championship--In the last 5 minutes of this match-up, Kansas will continue to send North Dakota State's superior athletes to the line, where they will subsequently miss free throw after free throw . . .
7. Boston College vs. 10. USC: After surprising everyone by winning the PAC-10 Tournament on Sunday, USC is a lukewarm team. However, USC will bring enough heat to beat a Principal Skinner squad that lost Head On to a terrible Harvard team.
2. Michigan State vs. 15. Robert Morris: Are Tom Izzo and Steve Mariucci really friends, or is Izzo just that polite? Either way, I have Michigan State advancing to the championship game and it all starts with this first round match-up. Izzo will handle it diplomatically and rest his starters mid-way through the 2nd half as not to run up the score. Consequently, Izzo will acquire a new friend whom he now can call Bob (terrible)
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