Friday, March 13, 2009

ACC Tournament Live Blog

Brooks: After two months away, Uncle D and I are back for another live blog. We were debating which Big 10 tournament game to follow, but the only thing more unwatchable than Big 10 football right now is Tubbie Smith's Big 10 basketball. We were also going to do the Big East tournament, but after an unfortunate question about his salary, I am no longer allowed within 100 feet of Jim Calhoun per order of a Connecticut judge. Ironic, since he apparently is no longer allowed within 100 feet of a postseason win.

So, we bring your Florida State v. Georgia Tech-- two basketball schools playing the sports they are known for. This win should be easier for FSU than their online music classes.

Actually, scratch that. After looking at the defense and the match ups the ACC was going to play against us, Uncle D and I have decided to switch back to the Big 10. I have no reason why I'm willingly subjecting myself to the insights of Steve Lavin and Brent Musberger, but at least Erin Andrews will help us get through this difficult time.

Uncle D: "When two Big Ten powerhouses get together, you should pick the under"

When I was in Vegas during the Big Ten Tournament two years ago, I faithfully adhered to this suggestion (despite its generous interpretation of powerhouse) and came out $70 ahead.

For today's match-up, I would like to modify the betting recommendation to the following:

When two shitty Big Ten teams get together, ALWAYS pick the under--even if the line is holding at 45.

Place your bets now and enjoy the 10 passes per possession and endless back-door screens that define Bo Ryan basketball.

19:28 Left in the 1st
Brooks: Well, it's been 40 seconds and we've watched a tip off and entire Wisco possession without Brent Musberger talking about the events on the floor once. What we do know is that he disagrees with Joe Lundardi's #1 seeds in his bracket this morning-- apparently Brent's been working on his Bracketology degree on nights and weekends. That is how you do play-by-play, kids.

At least he realized it wasn't football season anymore

17:54 in the First
Uncle D: I am at a bar watching this match-up and the big screen is currently on mute--it is a good thing that Big Ten basketball is fundamentally sound. However, I am remiss that I am deprived of the beloved Musberger-Lavin rapport that has probably defined the first 3 minutes of this game.

Wisc: 5
A Ohio State: 3

17:11 in the 1st
Brooks: I'm impressed. It's been almost 3 minutes into the game, and we still don't have a single insight about how the Wisconsin offense is "the only one where all 5 players on the court will post up." Take that back, not impressed. Really just sad that I know more about D1 x's and o's than former UCLA coach Steve Lavin.

And we also have our first Jim Tressell reference from Brent. Good for him.

14:30 in the 1st
Brooks: Wisconsin fans are probably quite confused with their Badger's lineup coming out of the time out. While the three white players are certainly recognizable, the other two players in white uniforms are not actually wearing body paint, rather they are genuine African-Americans. Yep, even Bo Ryan recruits them now, entire city of Whitewater, WI!

12:30 in the 1st
Brooks: These two titans of sports broadcasting remain impressively on point despite the sluggish offensive starts from both teams. Steve Lavin is currently asking Brent Musberger what it was like to host the NBA pre-game show in the 1980s, Brent is giving pointers on hosting said show to Stuart Scott in absentia, and Lavin is trying to list all the players he can remember from the 1950s (answer: Oscar Robertson and Elgin Baylor). I'm looking forward to Lavin's thoughts on the Middle East and Brent's views on the new 90210 right around the 4 minute mark.

9-5 Wisconsin

10:41 in the 1st
Brooks: Kevin Gullickson from Wisco just totally air balled a free throw. Further proof that first team to double digits in both halves will win this game handily. That . . . is Big 10 athletics.

9-7 Wisconsin.

10:30 in the First

Uncle D: I am convinced that fast breaks are outlawed in the Big 10 or at least are not allowed to end in a lay-up.

I actually did some research and the bi-laws read as follows:

THE DEVIN HARRIS RULE:

"In order to maintain the score-deflating integrity of the conference, no player shall proceed unimpeded to the hoop with the intent to score unless the ball has been touched by all 5 members of the team. If properly adhered to, the play will result in a kick-out three by a slow and trailing white player"

I didn't have time to check, but I believe the penalty for violating this rule is to actually get coached by Thad Motta

7:44 Left in First
Uncle D: Since I cannot hear the action, perhaps my co-blogger can assist me with the following:

With over 12 minutes played and the game tied at 14, how many times has Musberger used the word "tremendous"?

My guess is 23.

Brooks: Only 6. More importantly, he has used his non-regional diction to establish familiarity with the audience and deftly place the word "folks" into sentences a staggering 76 times.

Also, Steve Lavin at one point used the multi-syllabic word "inculcate." Musberger's robot mind almost exploded on air. Not only did he have to admit that he didn't know what it meant, he also foolishly asked the former coach to then try to spell the word. It's cool though, as Lavin showed how close he is to current pop culture by busting out a Dan Quayle reference to kill the tension.

7:30 Left in the 1st
Brooks: Wow. If you love mid court passing, walking the ball up the floor, and alley-oop passes that "accidently" go off the side of the backboard before the receiving player has even left the ground, well, then you are missing the game of the year!

This is how bad this game is at this point. They just showed a commercial for "Lakeview Terrace" on demand, and I'm considering buying it. Yes, the movie that featured the line, "You don't mess with a man that's got color on his side-- and that color is blue" is better.

On the other hand, Kentucky has lost and Digger Phelps has officially declared UK out "of the tournament." No word on whether he means the NCAA, or if he just learned how single-elimination conference tournaments work and he was excited to show off to us at home.

14-14

5:40 in the First
Uncle D: ESPN just displayed a graphic entitled "Coach Lavs Bloodied but Unbowed"

Presumably a list teams Lavin believes sustained tough beatings but are still viable candidates to make the NCAA.

ESPN could have saved a lot of space if they just named the chart "Coach Lav's Rhiannas"

Way to go Cousin Chris--The Nickelodeon Awards are all political anyway

4:50 in the First
Uncle D: Per Brooks' suggestion, I have decided to watch the first 5 minutes of "Lake View Terrace"

I have a feeling that at the end of the movie, Sam L.'s neighbor decides to move and play for Wisconsin.

Half Time
Uncle D: Brooks apparently has either lost his signal or is watching the establishing shot of the "For Sale" sign being removed in "Lake View Terrace," a film that truly embodies Robert Frost's immortal assessment that "Good Fences Make Good Neighbors and Bad Ones Make for Dead Motha Fuckas"

Frost was truly a visionary ahead of his time.

Meanwhile, it is 29-28 at half, but since it is the Big 10, it feels like I got miles to go before I sleep . . .

I am watching the muted highlights of the UNC-Virginia Tech game from earlier today.

I have said it before, but I want to have it documented for public record:

Why does Psycho T always look like he just got caught masterbating? Is that why his dad always is standing with his arms folded?

I can't stand Psycho T, although I guess I have to get used to him because that clumsy 4 foot lean-in over a smaller player is going to be there in the pros for years to come.

17:20 in the 2nd
Brooks: Well, I'm back, but I'm not sure I want to be. I just saw a great montage of they physical play of the first half, followed by Musberger asking Lavin and an unfortunately not-sarcastic tone, "So, what do you think of the strategy of both coaches?" There is no coaching going on, this might as well be played at Rucker Park, minus all the talent in terms of shooting, dribbling, passing, and working corners on and off the court.

I would like ESPN to show that montage again, but this time with a split screen from the montage in Rocky 4. You know, this montage. Due to their ridiculous athletic budget and even ridiculous scarlet uniforms, I think OSU will be Ivan Drago for the purposes of the film. It will at least accurately display Wisconsin winter and Thad Matta's willingness to kill a black player in the ring.

35-31 Badgers

15:26 in the Second
Brooks: Apparently, John Saunders should be working in the All State commercial I just saw, because, like a good neighbor, he just reminded all of us that the ACC tournament can be seen on ESPN2. It's the light at the end of our dark tunnel.

On a brighter note, Musberger just referred to one Ohio State player as "The Screen Machine." Wow, what does that tell you about this game? I don't know if that's more insulting to the player, or more insulting to his team mates since they have also been able to set an inordinate amount of ineffective and ill-timed screens, yet they get no recognition.

38-35 Wisconsin

11:54 in the 2nd
Uncle D: I agree with Brooks, much like Milk on a hot day or in my NetFlix queue, choosing to blog this game was a baaaaad choice.

The most entertaining aspect of this match-up isn't the game play (which speaks volumes considering we are knotted at 42), rather it has been attempting to determine what the fuck is painted at half-court. On the surface, it appears either to be a chaotic amalgam of all the Big Ten colors or a Wisconsin player's conception of what a snowflake would look like in Africa.

Any insight Brooks?

Brooks' tremendous (pardon my Musberger) reply:

"You raise an excellent point. I actually believe the white dot in the middle is the Big 10-- colorless, lifeless, and bland. The colors represent all the flair, creativity, and passion for basketball desperately fleeing from the center, in this case, Conseco Fieldhouse.

My only other guess is that it's the vomit left by Pacers fans after their most recent home stand. Apparently not even white residents of the Hoosier state are willing to buy Mike Dunleavy, Jr's mid-range game"

7:50 in the 2nd
Brooks: After examining the bracket, I see that the winner of this game gets to play Michigan State in the conference semi's tomorrow. Are you kidding me? Is this really necessary? You are really going to doubt Tom Izzo's ability to out-coach these two basketball titans? Honestly, bring back both Greg Oden and Devin Harris for the winner of this game, and they will still get crushed tomorrow. I haven't been this underwhelmed for a match up since Jim Cramer v. Jon Stewart

47-45 Wisconsin

4:55 Left in the 2nd
Brooks: Not that they were ever really paying attention, but even the announcers have officially checked out. We are now discussing changes football player Eddie George would make to basketball (eliminate fouling out altogether), and Brent's favorite recipe for bran muffins. Lost in this enlightening and intriguing drivel is the Wisconsin offensive explosion. After hitting a couple of three's, the lead is now up to 6, which in the Big 10 I can only assume is more insurmountable than Rosie O'Donnell once she's already on top of you.

54-48 Badgers

4:37 in the 2nd
Uncle D: Wisconsin isn't necessarily pulling away, it is more like a dull yet steady drift. They are up 6 and have shifted to their even more conservative offense where shots trickle down to the less talented players: Pass 17 times then hoist a 27 footer as the shot clock expires.

Jim Rome is burning incidentally . . .

2:12 in the 2nd
Uncle D: Ohio St has taken a 1 point lead after, what ESPN has deemed, a 8-0 "run". However, if you have been watching this game with the sound off while drinking 7 vodka tonics, it feels more like a winded jog . . .

Somewhere, the Big 10 Commissioner was overheard in the skybox saying "Really? 2 more days of this bullshit! Really!? . . . I'll have another Evian Mateen . . . Really! Two more fucking days!? I'm Thad as hell that I dedicated a Network to this WNBA-like nonsense!

1:46 in the 2nd
Brooks: It only took Steve Lavin 38 minutes, but he finally caught a glimpse of the game going on literally inches in front of his nose. After Wisconsin failed to score on their third consecutive possession, he declared the UW offense "terrible." Somewhere, Charles Barkely is drunk, happy, and no longer looking for prostitutes.

In the mean time, Thad Matta just looked at the Big 10 rule book and realized they are allowed to score on multiple possessions in the same half, and have taken the lead back from the Badgers. Honestly, this has all the drama of a junior high break up. I'm waiting for Bo Ryan to send a note to Matta during a tv timeout that says "We give up. Leave me alone forever"

55-54 Buckeyes

1:22 Left in the 2nd
Brooks: I'd like to go ahead and declare that this game will be settled by free throws after time expires. Just going to be that kind of game.

By the way, Brent just asked Steve is Ohio State was going to have to start to "slow it down on offense." It can go slower? Can they literally go in reverse and take away their own baskets?

Routine jumper falls. Bored crowd and band goes ape shit. 57-55 Ohio State.

37 Seconds Left
Uncle D: Down by three, Bo Ryan called a time-out and drew up the following play:

"Alright, since we are entirely incapable of scoring a 'quick' anything, let alone a two, set a series of clumsy screens for each other and if any one of you interchangable white skin heads is open, hoist a 30 foot three with a hand in your face"

Executed to perfection . . .

7.3 Seconds Left
Uncle D: Ohio State just opened a 3 point lead with 7.3 seconds left, making this a 27 possession game . . .

Fin
Brooks: This game mercifully comes to an end, but not without 4 needless timeouts to draw up plays that failed to work in the last 30 seconds. Congratulations, mid-majors, based on this performance only 3 Big 10 teams should even be allowed to apply to the NCAA tournament this year.

61-57 Ohio State final.

Uncle D:

The American public that desperately clamored for a Big 10 Tournament is solely to blame for this game today. The Big 10 knew something we didn't and, now, there is no turning back. So next year, when you are bitching about a 54-49 Purdue-Iowa State game that is getting air time over an exciting mid-major finish, just look in the mirror and say 'fuck you!'

Prediction for tonight: Principal Skinner beats Duke by 4

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