Random, Useless Rankings from a Self-Declared Fool

Well, we are in the last 24 hours before the start of the college football season. While some "instant classics" for ESPN like Indiana v. Western Kentucky start at 8, the season really begins at 10:15 when #14 Boise State hosts #16 Oregon on the SmurfTurf. So, as we count down the final hours, here are a series of senseless and unneccesarily bold predictions for 2009:

Predictions for the Top 5 Going into the Bowls: At the end of the regular season, my guess is the BCS Top 5 will look like this:
1. Florida: Honestly, at this point the media is so in love with this team that, like LSU in 2007, they could lose twice and still make the title game. What's really sad? The season is just now starting and I'm already bored of making fun of Tim Tebow and the fact that he touches infant penes in his spare time.
2. Texas: Unlike Oklahoma, they return a good portion of their offensive line so they will win the Big 12 and probably run the table. Also, they wear Orange in the Red River Shoot Out, making them the "home" team. Love that home field advantage in a rivalry game.
3. Ohio State: While I absolutely, positively do not believe a Big 10 team will be in the National Title Game, I do think Ohio State will run the table in the Big 10. That means that their only real chance for a loss is the Week 2 match up with USC, but even a loss there leaves ten weeks to move back up in the ranks. Even if they run the table, however, I don't see the voters letting the Big 10 play in any title game.
4. Oklahoma: Normally, I would say losing in mid-October to Texas would knock them out of the top five. However, that match up will have so much hype and I believe will be so close at the end of the game, that the voters will not heavily punish the Sooners. The Big 12 gets two teams into the BCS again, only this time Oklahoma will be the favorite in their match up.
5. USC: Somewhere in the 2001 Federal Budget, a law was snuck in and passed that guaranteed USC must be in the Top 5 in every pre-season and end of season voter's poll. When asked why they voted these teams so high, voters are required to always answer either a) because they have a Heisman contender or b) their defense is so "fast and aggressive." It's either that or Gitmo for the press.

Top 5 Teams That Will Surprise: What teams are we going to be talking a lot at the end year that are not getting a lot of hype now?
1. Oregon: They are ranked #16 right now, but with a win tomorrow over Boise on the road and a late season home game against the Men of Troy late in the season, they can be the surprise of the Pac 10. QB Jeremiah Masoli is also a beast, and I think may remind a lot of people of Dennis Dixon with his big play ability.
2. Michigan State: I said that MSU will be a better team than most think in my Big 10 season preview, and the Big 10 gods are helping them out. Every Iowa running back is falling like property values in that state (zing! Ha, topical), which means the door is open for MSU to win 9 games and be competitive in a bowl. 10 wins will put them in the Top 15 final poll, even though they are currently unranked.
3. North Carolina: Everyone is all about Georgia Tech coming out of the ACC this year, but I think you will see a lot of good stuff coming out of Chapel Hill this fall. It is Butch Davis' third year and he has already scored one bowl bid, and he would've won, if Pat White hadn't gone all "I'm a Better QB Than Tim Tebow" on the Heels in the second half. The Heels will play in January, and might even be in the Orange Bowl.
4. Nevada: Everyone is all about Boise State to be the "BCS Buster." Which, by the way, if Boise State makes the BCS, that will be four consecutive "busters" and five in six years. Can we finally retire this overused phrase then? Anyway, Nevada runs the pistol formation as well as anyone in the country and with a win over Notre Dame on Saturday and Boise State later in the season, they could win the WAC and push for the BCS.

The Overrated: What teams are not going to live up to their high expectations?
1. Ole Miss: This one time in college, my friend Andy did a ton of mushrooms and stared at a computer screen for four hours straight because he thought the colors were coming alive. He was really high. This is how most of America is on Ole Miss right now: high and hallucinating. Yes Jevon Snead is awesome, but remember Houston Nutt is their coach. Houston . . . Nutt. 0 career BCS appearances. Not going to start now.
2. Notre Dame: This one is their own fault. Well, them and Lou Holtz. Who said it was BCS or bust for the Irish this season? This team will be better, but will not win 10 regular season games. 8 and a bowl win, maybe 9 regular season, but ND will NOT be in the BCS this year. Worse for Notre Dame fans, they will be just good enough that the world's fattest internship will continue into 2010.
3. USC: How about this for a bold prediction? USC will lose twice and may, just may, miss out on the BCS entirely. Taking a true freshmen into the Horseshoe in Week 2 will not do well, and no matter how good your defense is Terrelle Pryor will score. On top of that, I think they will lose to Oregon on the road which could give the Ducks the Pac 10 title. How about that for disappointment, Prophylactics?

Top 5 Coaches: Who are the best in the sport going into this season?
1. Urban Meyer: 2 titles, 3 years, 1 giant douchebag. I hate the guy, but still, respect.
2. Pete Carroll: While his attempts to still look like a surfer are approaching pathetic, the man still recruits as well as anyone and the Pac 10 title may as well be titled over to him. Still waiting on his hit song, "Tedford, tell me how my ass taste" to drop.
3. Nick Saban: Did Alabama really go from crap to BCS in two years? My god. My only hope is that his star and Meyer's meet in the SEC Title game so often, they eventually Supernova and just destroy the entire SEC.
4. Bob Stoops: Would be higher if he won in the title game last year or or really any BCS game recently, but the man still has played in 3 Title games this decade.
5. Mack Brown: It's close between him and Stoops, and I know he has done well head to head lately, but Stoops has more BCS appearances total. Close, but sorry Horns.

Heisman Predictions:
1. Sam Bradford, Oklahoma: Archie Griffin's handshake in NYC with Sam Bradford will be even more tense and awkward than Dan Marino's with Peyton Manning after Super Bowl XLI.
2. Tim Tebow, Florida: I'm sure that even in defeat, he will be a leader and graciously help Bradford up the stairs to the podium. He later promises no one will work harder to get a 5th year of eligibility and avoid NFL failure than him.
3. Javid Best, Cal: Adorable that they invited a running back, but things get awkward when Lee Corso insists on calling him "Reggie Bush" throughout the evening.
487. Colt McCoy, Texas: The season looked so promising for this young QB. But after a devastating knee injury against Louisiana-Monroe, and an embarrassing series of scandals involving high stakes gambling on WNBA games hit the internet, the quarterback is forced out of the university entirely. Sorry, Hoogs.