PAC-10 Week 1 Review

Prior to this weekend, I did not know very much about the Pac-10. As the following poorly written paragraphs will attest, nothing has changed . . .

1. Oregone Conclusion

New Oregon head coach Chip Kelly suffered, arguably, the worst opening game defeat since Appalachian State brazenly kicked down the door to the Big House with their mud caked mountain boots two years screaming, “fuck your couch, Chad Henne!”

Granted, Boise St. entered the contest ranked higher than the Ducks and developed a Jesus ‘Complex’ after walking over their previous 49 opponents on the water colored terrain of Bronco Stadium. However, it is the manner in which Oregon was thoroughly outplayed and comported itself afterward that will linger throughout Kelly’s inaugural season in Eugene and erode the optimism that accompanied his ascendancy as coach.

No matter how many ways Phil Knight can egregiously dress that one up, Oregon, for a lack of a better phrase, threw up a nominally appropriate duck against the Broncos.
The Ducks had 16 fewer first downs, gained 209 less yards, and held the ball for only 17:28. But let’s forget all that. This performance would be excusable considering the following factors:

--The first game of the season
--New head coach
--On the road
--Higher ranked opponent
--Disorienting, reference lost on crowd Picasso Blue everywhere
-- Only semi-attractive cheerleader already engaged to Ian Johnson’s replacement
--As hostile a crowd Idaho can muster without being too impolite

But what will forever stigmatize the 2009 Oregon season is LaGarrette Blount’s desperate and obvious ploy to get a deal with Truwarier Records by punching Byron Hout after the game. Blount has been subsequently suspended from Saturdays for the remainder of the season, leaving Chip Kelly waddling to find someone who can replace his 17 rushing touchdowns from a year ago.

Blount’s antics literally leave Oregon punchless in the backfield and have them on the precipice of a 1-3 or 0-4 start as Purdue, Utah, and California all loom over the next three weeks. That should all but knock the Ducks Hout from contending in conference they could have won.

2. Barkley Keeps USC in Nation’s Five

If anybody in the USC huddle appeared to be lost last year, it’s only because he was staring directly into Mark Sanchez’s eyes. Fortunately for Pete Carroll, he doesn’t have to manage such distractions this season and can concentrate on more immediate challenges like catering his playbook to Freshman Quarterback Matt Barkley and updating his subscription to GQ.

Barkley played well in the Trojan’s 53 point cunt rubbing victory over San Jose St., however he will not benefit from playing against JUCO level (football) talent this week as USC travels to Horseshoe to play Ohio St.

If white knight QB Barkley falters, it is a good thing that USC’s tailbacks are slimming and can hide his inefficiencies. I anticipate Joe McKnight and Marc Taylor will run all over the Buckeyes this weekend lest Pete Carroll spends his Sunday eating ice cream while watching the Jet-Texans game.

3. The Cal Bear Report

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Nobody knows this more than Maryland head coach Ralph Friedgen, who probably experienced conflicted emotions as Cal convincingly avenged last season’s defeat to his Terrapins.

During their impressive 52-13 rout over a BCS conference team, Cal showcased why they may be poised to make their first Rose Bowl in 51 years or LI, as expressed in Friedgen’s Under Armour Size.

Jahvid Best is a straight-up Benjamin Button-esque manchild and the Bears no longer have to worry about Nate Longshore throwing inexplicable, momentum-raping interceptions. I sincerely believe that if Cal can avoid a derailing loss over their next 3 games against Eastern Michigan, Minnesota, and Oregon, they will beat USC the first Saturday of October at home.