Big East Season Preview

Bumper to bumper traffic. Insufferable assholes from elite, private high schools and colleges that wear aviators at night. The word “f-ck” being used in the same sentence as a verb, noun, adjective, interjection, gerund and participle—simultaneously—in front of a pre-school. Ahh yes, it is another glorious fall along the Eastern seaboard.

Since, according to ABC’s current television contract, there are still six BCS conferences, we here at the Office Tailgate are obligated to provide some sort of preview for the Big East. I have to say, this really is taking the tradition of “BCS Predictions” a little too far. I feel like the member of the Academy Award selection committee that had to watch “Blue Crush” seven times just to be sure that it didn’t deserve a nomination for best cinematography, editing, or blatantly misleading males to think it might include girl-on-girl action to gain maximum Netflix rentals (In the Big East, the only girl-on-girl action are the O Line of Syracuse vs. Louisville's D Line). Just like Blue Crush, you technically never know when a gem is going to come out of the Big East. Realistically, the Big East has as much a chance at the National Title Game as Kate Bosworth has at Best Actress. Blue Crush even featured more relevant NFL quarterbacks than the entire Big East conference, but Bill Stewart and Greg Schiano do match Blue Crush’s awkward, homoerotic stares on the sidelines on this year's Big East Football Poster.

Thankfully, this conference only has 8 football playing schools to preview:

Cincinnati: Coming off an 11-3 record and their first major bowl since Kenyon Martin and his 8 foot bong named “The Huggie Bear” left campus (along with the Huggie Bear and his proclivity for, as the kids say, “ridin dirty”), Cincy is an early favorite in the Big East. Brian Kelly emerged as one of the hottest young coaches in the country by making the Orange Bowl while going through 4 different quarterbacks last year. I find it funny they consider him a "hot" coaching prospect, considering he couldn’t dream of placing in any bathing suit contest unless it was for best FUPA east of South Bend.


Their non-conference schedule is surprisingly brutal this year, including Oregon State, Fresno State, and Illinois, which ensures that they most likely will not factor into the national title picture (shock). They also open the season against Rutgers, which will be a tough game for both teams coming out of the gate. If QB Tony Pike can stay healthy, the offense should put enough points on the board to make another run at the title this year.




Connecticut: UConn has had a remarkable run the past couple of years. They only moved into D-1A in 2002, but had a 9 win season in 2007 and an International Bowl victory last season. What have they done with that money? Don’t ask their coaching staff. What advice do they have for other developing programs? Don't ask their coaching staff.

Their schedule is particularly brutal this year. They host North Carolina and travel to Baylor and Notre Dame, none of which will be easy this year. Their conference schedule includes at Pittsburgh, West Virginia and Cincinnati, which in this conference is actually considered really tough. Unfortunately, not even the doughnut of a bowl game might be enough to motivate Tyler “Little Fatback” Lorenzon and the rest of the UConn offense enough to be competitive without Donald Brown running the ball on 80% of their plays. Looks like another 6-6 year and crappy bowl game. Do you like that Jim? Don't ask their coaching staff.



Louisville: Get excited for another awesome year of Cardinal football! Coach Bobby Petrino is excited that offensive stars Brian Brohm and Michael Bush return as the team shoots for their first BCS bowl in school history. With these three leaders at the helm, the skies the limit for this year’s Louisville team. EDITOR'S NOTE: The Louisville football team was apparently canceled in 2007. We apologize for the error and any misplaced enthusiasm it instilled in their alumni base. You may now return to staring at pictures of Rick Pitino doing his best Tom Wolffe impression.






Pittsburgh: Thank god for the Pittsburgh Panthers, they are the Boston Bruins of the 412 area code. After watching another goddamn Pittsburgh Steeler’s Super Bowl Trophy and learning that ESPN only thinks rape is news when a black athlete does it, and then an inspiring Pittsburgh Penguins Stanley Cup championship, it’s good to know the Panthers are here to keep the city’s ego in check. I do admire coach Dave Wannstedt, however, because of his dedication to his now legendary mustache. Like his natural French tickler, Wannstedt’s teams are always mostly solid, but have inexplicable holes in places that prevent them from ever gaining any credibility on a large stage.

This year’s Pittsburgh team, try to stay with me now, will feature an unproven offense that will rely on the front seven of their defense to keep them in games. QB Bill Stull returns, which should bode well for the passing game, but their leading retuning receiver only had 34 yards last year. Oh yeah, feel the excitement of Panther football spread throughout the country! What is unbelievable, however, is that their schedule is so favorable that this is actually enough to compete for the Big East title. Pitt ends the last two weeks of the season playing at West Virginia and hosting Cincinnati. Plan on those two games deciding who gets that bid to whatever BCS bowl has last pick this year.



Rutgers: Timing is everything in life. Two years ago, Greg Schiano was considered one of the best coaches in the nation. He was linked to the Miami opening in 2007, murmurs of taking over Penn State if Joe Pa retired in 2007, and was offered the Michigan job in 2008. He spurned them all. Now look at him: he’s stuck in central Jersey like a character on the Sopranos without an FBI connection. Schiano is now considered simply one of the best coaches in Rutger’s history. Way to aim for the middle, big guy. Your visions of mediocrity inspire us all.

The schedule shapes up favorably for the Red Knights in 2009. They host Cincy, Pitt, USF and WVU, and also evenly space those games out throughout the season. The team will rely on the run game offensively, since they return their two leading rushers in Kordell Young and Jourdan Brooks (chances someone foolishly refers to them as “Thunder and Lightning” this year with some shit-eating grin on their face as if this is a unique nickname: 100%), but must replace their leading receiver and 3 year starting QB Mike “I cry like a” Teel. If Schiano gets his defense in line and Young and Brooks prove they are 1,000 yard rushers this season, Rutgers can turn it back around this year. But remember, at the end of the day they will still just be Rutgers.



South Florida: Give credit where credit is due: Coach Jim Leavitt has balls that only Stephen Colbert can rival. In a year where the BCS is under fire for collusion, fans are complaining about a lack of meaningful non-conference games, and the media questions whether or not the Big East deserves its auto-bid in the BCS, USF has decided to single-handedly save college football with their schedule. That’s right, they decided to open their schedule with not 1, not 2, but 3, 3! games against 1-AA opponents (suck it, Axl, still no FCS on this blog). Wofford, Western Kentucky and Charleston Southern—sports hasn’t seen a murderers row like that since the 1927 Yankees or the Sandlot kids and their hotshot clean up hitter, Bennie “The Jet” Rodriguez. Way to play for national credibility, USF.

Am I really expected to continue to analyze this team? Fine. Their key stretch this year are games 4-8, where they play at Florida State, at Syracuse, host Cincinatti, at Pittsburgh, and host West Virginia. They could easily slide from 3-0 to 4-4 during that stretch, and if they don’t win at least one of those conference road games they have no chance at the conference title. For a team that is 3-7 on the road in conference since 2006, that seems highly unlikely. Plus side: I’m sure they will still lead the nation in kickers injured while supervising rides at f-cking Busch Gardens.


Syracuse: In an effort to improve from last year’s unmitigated disaster that led the creation of a team so bad that they could only barely beat Notre Dame, Syracuse has implemented the following changes: it replaced Greg Robinson as head coach with Doug Marrone; it agreed to let Greg Paulus see if slapping the Carrier Dome turf like Coach K Court can make him play mediocre defense and lose his starting job to a freshmen in football as well as basketball; and announcing it is going to somehow implement Coach Boeheim’s 2-3 zone on both offense and defense.

Also, it is going to field a men’s team this year.

None of these are expected to make a bit of f-cking difference.


West Virginia: I went to school right across the street from Coach Bill Stewart’s last head coaching job. At that job, he was fired after telling a black player who tended to show boat, “Don’t let your actions give people a reason to call you a n----r.” This is good for the long term health of the WVU program. They have a coach who doesn’t hate black people, he just hates black people that don’t act white. Big difference. I’m sure that will really help you recruiting for the spread, particularly what SEC commentators call “athletic” QBs. At least he won’t have the same problems that Washington had last year with their showboating QB.

What’s amazing? This is actually the team and coach to beat in the Big East this year. They return 15 starters, more than any other team in the conference. They have the most dynamic running back in the conference with Noel Devine (who’s high school highlight video has approached “Star Wars Kid” territory on youtube), and QB Jarrett Brown is a 5th year senior who gained valuable experience last year filling in for an injured Pat White. Stewart also has led his team to two really impressive bowl wins, stunning Oklahoma two years ago and leading a huge second half comeback against North Carolina last year. They will hold of Cincinnati to win the conference and make the BCS, and like the proverbial tree that falls in the woods, no one will hear it happen.

Final Prediction: Get excited, March Madness is at the end of October.