1. Detroit: Matthew Stafford, QB Georgia
Hoogs: While he is not as sexy a pick as Joey Harrington was on the outside, Stafford makes sense for the Lie-downs here. Sure, they have a lot of needs, but picking Stafford here will be their first win since 2007. He has a cannon for an arm and good size, and while I personally believe he will be a bust because of his lack of accuracy and football acumen, Detroit can't afford to take a risk with this pick. And the people of Detroit desperately need something to hold onto, what with MSU's embarrassing performance against Carolina, the Pistons inevitable demise, the Tigers being the Tigers and the auto industry bottoming out. What was that? The Red Wings? I didn't know that hockey was even a sport anymore.
2. St. Louis: Jason Smith, T Baylor
Brooks: This will be a very stressful five minutes for new coach Steve Spagnulo. First, he'll find out that no matter how many times he hands Roger Goodell a card with "Justin Tuck, DT, New York Giants," he still won't be allowed to draft the only player he really wants. Then, when he calls his old mentor Tom Coughlin to see who is on top of the Giants Draft Board, he'll do the same thing with "Braylon Edwards." Mark Sanchez will be tempting, but they are set with Marc Bulger, and it's not like a kid from Georgia can replace the third best WVU QB of all time (behind only Major Harris and Pat White). Smith is a terrific pass blocker, which will be crucial since the WR that made St. Louis the "Greatest Show by Smurfs on Turf" are all gone and replaced by converted safeties.
3. Kansas City: Michael Crabtree, WR Texas Tech
Uncle D: It took a little prodding and encouragement over some Appletinis, but friends of Chiefs owner Clark Hunt finally convinced him to get a makeover. He fired Herm Edwards and brought in Cardinal's OC Todd Haley and he outfitted his front office with Scott Pioli to replace the out of style Carl Peterson (incidentally, doesn't Pioli sound like an item on the Pizza Hut Menu? 'We just feasted on 3 Piolis for only 5 dollars') More importantly, however, he traded for Matt Cassel to challenge Tony Gonzalez for the starting Tight End spot.
Seriously, many analysts are predicting that the Chiefs will opt to prioritize their defense and add Wake Forest LB Aaron Curry. Particularly, EPSN's Count Kiper believes that Curry is the sensible selection since last year's first round pick Glenn Dorsey is only "a one gap penetrator." This seems like a harsh assessment of Dorsey's game and suggests that Mel doesn't understand that some people have principles.
I understand that bolstering the defense and improving the pass rush should be an NFL team's first priority, but not when your franchise just brought it Hanley. In Arizona, he had a skilled QB and two dynamic receivers. With Cassel and emerging WR Derek Bowe already in place, selecting Grab-Tree would complete the triangular paradigm Hanley enjoyed in Arizona, not to mention having additional weapons in Gonzalez and and Running Back Larry Johnson. Crabtree is ready to make an immediate impact and his precense would alleviate the burden on RanMaMa, whom Herm Edwards attempted to murder during his first year as coach (26 carries per game).
If Kansas City really desires to complete this transformation, I believe that when it comes to donning to the uniform, Crabtree will wear it better than Curry.
4. Seattle: Eugene Monroe, T Virginia
Hoogs: Most people have the Seahawks taking Mark "I am 1/16 Hispanic" Sanchez here, and they very well could. After all, top quarterbacks are extremely valuable, but the 2010 draft should have some great prospects and a quarterback without a top passblocker (Monroe is likely the best one in the draft) is easy for defenses to Hassel-beck. With Walter Jones coming off knee surgery, Monroe simply makes sense for the Seahawks, who need to worry about pass-blocking first and foremost with their aging skill position players on offense. By the way, did Brooks arrange this draft order purposely in order to give him the right to pick for the Browns? I have my suspicions.
5. Cleveland: BJ Raji, DT Boston College
Brooks: While this was unintentional, Hoogs, you are absolutely right in that this is my dream job. And since past GM's include Dwight Clark, Carmen Policy, Butch Davis, and Phil "F-ck You, Fan" Savage, I know that I really could do no worse. After all, here are the Browns #1 Picks since 1999: Tim Couch, Coutney Brown, Gerard Warren, William Green, Jeff Faine, Kellen Winslow, Braylon Edwards, Joe Thomas, Brady Quinn. I'd make a joke here, but it'd be like kicking the cripple kid out of his wheelchair on the playground. Just wrong, and totally unnecessary at this point.
6. Cincinnati: Andre Smith, T Alabama
Uncle D: Mandated suspensions . . . selfish attitudes . . . constantly failing to meet expectations. The Bengals would be committing a huge disservice to Andre Smith if they didn't draft him. Smith is genuinely hilarious. Since January, Smith has clearly demonstrated that no one in the last 5 years of the draft has more fervently believed his own hype. He violated Alabama team rules (probably for soliciting another booster without permission) and sat on the sideline as the Tide got embarrassed by a team of kids that will probably go pro in something else. He immediately declared that he was entering the draft and then apparently decided to take the next month off. He showed up out of shape at the combine in February to publicly demonstrate what he hadn't been doing and then departed unannounced after not participating in any drills. Once considered the number one overall prospect, Smith plummeted towards the bottom of the first round draft board, until . . . "the Bengals are now on the clock"
Since Jason Smith and Eugene Monroe are off our board, it is only fitting that the Bengals are forced to settle for the third best offensive and most (a)pathetic tackle at the 6th position. This bodes well for a team that just lost its best OT, Stacy Andrews, to free agency and now has to rely on a capricious rookie to protect a franchise quarterback who only possesses one of his own ACLs. Maybe the Bengals will have better luck with the 6th pick next year . . .
7. Oakland - Darrius Heyward-Bey, WR Maryland
Hoogs: Really? Darrius? The Raiders will most certainly take a WR in the #7 slot, because that's the position that gives Al Davis the closest thing he's had to a boner since the '70s. Many people are predicting them to take Jeremy Maclin here, and they may be right. Maclin has the explosive speed that Davis loves combined with the star power of his name. However the smart pick, and the one I believe they will make, is Heyward-Bey. His size and speed (he was the fastest player in the Feb combine), combined with strong hands and superior route-running (especially compared to Maclin) project him to be the better pro receiver. But knowing Al Davis, I wouldn't be surprised to see him "roll the dice" and take Quan Cosby.
Just kidding.
But seriously...look out.
8. Jacksonville: Michael Oher, OT Mississippi
Brooks: Remember two years ago, when we thought that Jacksonville was a Super Bowl contender? Unfortunately, Jack Del Rio chose to take the axe he keeps into his own locker room as opposed to his opponents, cutting dead wood like Marcus Stroud, Mike Peterson and Fred Taylor, while brilliantly building an offense based a back who has never run for 1,000 yards and wide out who has more grams of coke on her person right now than career touchdown receptions. Jacksonville could go anywhere with this pick, so while Al Davis may be old and crazy, the Jags are the true Charlie Day-esque "Wildcard" in this draft.
9. Green Bay: Aaron Curry, LB, Wake Forest
Uncle D: The Packers have had a tumultuous 14 months. They were an OT drive away from the Super Bowl until Favre froze like an extra from "The Day After Tomorrow" mid-pass. Then, after a summer of opening his Wrangler zipper halfway in front of the Packer fan base, Favre decided to jeopardize/further demonstrate his legacy of throwing into triple coverage and committing spirit crushing 4th Quarter interceptions in another uniform (typical stat line 27/43, 257, 2-3, L). Meanwhile, while Aaron Rodgers threw 28 TDs and led the Packers to ten games of 24 points or more, the Packers defense proved to be more swiss than cheddar, allowing over a 130 yards rushing a game. So in order to improve their defense, they brought in the Mike Morgan of coaches, Dom Capers. Seriously, whenever a team enlists the services of Capers, they are guaranteed to be playing against him in 3 years.
Packers GM Ted Thompson has developed a reputation of always picking the best player available, regardless of position, on draft day. This would be an excellent approach if he knew who that was. For the purposes of our draft, that player seems to be Curry (however I doubt Thompson would agree). Curry is a run-stopping linebacker that will complement the 3-4 defensive scheme Capers is implementing in Green Bay. He would make an instant defensive impact playing alongside A.J. Hawk and Aaron Kampman, who would be rotated to LB on some downs. This pick would generate positive buzz in Green Bay and take the focus away from the egregious home and away Hawk-Quinn Jerseys that Brady's man-faced sister is sewing for the Browns-Packers preseaon and regular season contests respectively.
10. San Francisco: Brian Orakpo, DE/OLB, Texas
Hoogs: The Niners are perhaps more relevant now than they have been in ages. Have you seen this what's happening out there (http://bit.ly/uQ8jH)?? But seriously, they will be panning for a lot more than gold in this draft. They need a lot of help and could take Maclin with this pick. But they are rumored to be enamored with Orakpo. And they should be. He is a freak of nature. He has the speed and raw power to be a force in the league and I believe he will be an All-Pro for many years. And I'm not simply fellating him because I'm a Longhorn. The Niners are weak on defense and Orakpo will fit in well as a hybrid in Greg Manusky's true 3-4 scheme. Write this down: He will be the first "Rak" in the San Francisco locker room since Jeff Garcia's famed "Rack" on which he did things which we still do not talk about to this day.
11. Buffalo: Aaron Maybin, DE/LB Penn State
Brooks: This is a major draft for the Buffalo Bills. After the signing of a certain wide receiver who is still paying the consequences of not calling Skip Bayless once after sex, the entire city of Buffalo was shocked to hear that they are "North America's Team." The protests of the nation of Mexico fall on deaf ears, because even though I think the Chargers new stadium is planned to be built in suburban Tiajuana (and the Bills must've drank the worm in order to actually sign TO), the Bills earned this title by actually playing their games in Canada. Yes, Canada, the Bills played two games in Toronto last fall. I know you thought that was just another lame Canada joke on "How I Met Your Mother," but we are actually serious about this.
The Maybin decision should be easy for the Bills, and not just because everyone has predicted this pick for three months now. While drafting Rey Maualuga will would enhnace the North America's Team image, they drafted a run stopper last year. They had the 22nd ranked defense in the league last year, and Maybin is a pure pass rusher who will probably start at a pure blitzing linebacker until he can put on some weight and move to defensive end. This should also be a natural transition in life for Maybin. He will work alongside former team mate Paul Posluszny, will go from one grizzled, geriatric leader who seemingly does nothing anymore including change himself (Joe Paterno) for another (Bill's owner Paul Wilson), and State College, PA is a short drive so it won't be a long journey for him to actually meet an attractive woman in a bar.
12. Denver: Mark Sanchez. So Hot Right Now. Mark Sanchez, QB USC
Uncle D: Mark Sanchez is so hot right now that he could either play on Sundays or become a cast member of "The Hills" and hang around Brody Jenner's pool party talking shit about some emaciated bitch in a sack dress. If you want to read about his meteroic rise up the board, you can unstick pages 13 and 14 of Mark McShay's draft guide
Speaking of "The Hills", the Broncos had some drama of their own this off-season when Jay Cutler threw a bitch fit after new coach Josh McDaniels tried to bring in "some random" to replace him at quarterback. Cutler is gone and nobody, aside from the Broncos team chef, is happier than offensive guru McDaniels, who now has the opportunity to groom a young quarterback from the ground up. Granted, Kyle Orton is now in Denver, but even he concedes that, granted, he is Kyle Orton.
Much like Green Bay, Denver is converting to a 3-4 defensive scheme, so selecting an athletic LB or DE should be a priority, but we are talking about Mark Effin Sanchez. Plus, he dons number 6, which should generate ire from passive aggressive quarterback Jay Cutler who, during the Broncos-Bears pre-season match-up, will mutter "I can't believe he's wearing what I'm wearing" under his breath right before his pass richocets off the chest of #1 receiver Rashied Davis in the endzone.
Now that the Broncos are off the clock, I am going to pre-order my Sanchez Fat-Head. Pre-Ordered Mark Sanchez Fat Head. So hot right now. Pre-Ordered Mark Sanchez Fat Head.
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