Mock Draft Preview

In anticipation for the one day a year that Mel Kiper, Jr doesn't have to use viagra, we here at office tailgate of done our own mock draft. Granted, we did not do the whole first round, but let's be honest, no one really cares about the last 2/3s of the draft. That, and you know, we got lazy and stopped around pick 11. But really, we maintain that one one cares.

1. Detroit: Matthew Stafford, QB Georgia
Hoogs: While he is not as sexy a pick as Joey Harrington was on the outside, Stafford makes sense for the Lie-downs here. Sure, they have a lot of needs, but picking Stafford here will be their first win since 2007. He has a cannon for an arm and good size, and while I personally believe he will be a bust because of his lack of accuracy and football acumen, Detroit can't afford to take a risk with this pick. And the people of Detroit desperately need something to hold onto, what with MSU's embarrassing performance against Carolina, the Pistons inevitable demise, the Tigers being the Tigers and the auto industry bottoming out. What was that? The Red Wings? I didn't know that hockey was even a sport anymore.

2. St. Louis: Jason Smith, T Baylor
Brooks: This will be a very stressful five minutes for new coach Steve Spagnulo. First, he'll find out that no matter how many times he hands Roger Goodell a card with "Justin Tuck, DT, New York Giants," he still won't be allowed to draft the only player he really wants. Then, when he calls his old mentor Tom Coughlin to see who is on top of the Giants Draft Board, he'll do the same thing with "Braylon Edwards." Mark Sanchez will be tempting, but they are set with Marc Bulger, and it's not like a kid from Georgia can replace the third best WVU QB of all time (behind only Major Harris and Pat White). Smith is a terrific pass blocker, which will be crucial since the WR that made St. Louis the "Greatest Show by Smurfs on Turf" are all gone and replaced by converted safeties.

3. Kansas City: Michael Crabtree, WR Texas Tech
Uncle D: It took a little prodding and encouragement over some Appletinis, but friends of Chiefs owner Clark Hunt finally convinced him to get a makeover. He fired Herm Edwards and brought in Cardinal's OC Todd Haley and he outfitted his front office with Scott Pioli to replace the out of style Carl Peterson (incidentally, doesn't Pioli sound like an item on the Pizza Hut Menu? 'We just feasted on 3 Piolis for only 5 dollars') More importantly, however, he traded for Matt Cassel to challenge Tony Gonzalez for the starting Tight End spot.

Seriously, many analysts are predicting that the Chiefs will opt to prioritize their defense and add Wake Forest LB Aaron Curry. Particularly, EPSN's Count Kiper believes that Curry is the sensible selection since last year's first round pick Glenn Dorsey is only "a one gap penetrator." This seems like a harsh assessment of Dorsey's game and suggests that Mel doesn't understand that some people have principles.

I understand that bolstering the defense and improving the pass rush should be an NFL team's first priority, but not when your franchise just brought it Hanley. In Arizona, he had a skilled QB and two dynamic receivers. With Cassel and emerging WR Derek Bowe already in place, selecting Grab-Tree would complete the triangular paradigm Hanley enjoyed in Arizona, not to mention having additional weapons in Gonzalez and and Running Back Larry Johnson. Crabtree is ready to make an immediate impact and his precense would alleviate the burden on RanMaMa, whom Herm Edwards attempted to murder during his first year as coach (26 carries per game).

If Kansas City really desires to complete this transformation, I believe that when it comes to donning to the uniform, Crabtree will wear it better than Curry.

4. Seattle: Eugene Monroe, T Virginia
Hoogs: Most people have the Seahawks taking Mark "I am 1/16 Hispanic" Sanchez here, and they very well could. After all, top quarterbacks are extremely valuable, but the 2010 draft should have some great prospects and a quarterback without a top passblocker (Monroe is likely the best one in the draft) is easy for defenses to Hassel-beck. With Walter Jones coming off knee surgery, Monroe simply makes sense for the Seahawks, who need to worry about pass-blocking first and foremost with their aging skill position players on offense. By the way, did Brooks arrange this draft order purposely in order to give him the right to pick for the Browns? I have my suspicions.

5. Cleveland: BJ Raji, DT Boston College
Brooks: While this was unintentional, Hoogs, you are absolutely right in that this is my dream job. And since past GM's include Dwight Clark, Carmen Policy, Butch Davis, and Phil "F-ck You, Fan" Savage, I know that I really could do no worse. After all, here are the Browns #1 Picks since 1999: Tim Couch, Coutney Brown, Gerard Warren, William Green, Jeff Faine, Kellen Winslow, Braylon Edwards, Joe Thomas, Brady Quinn. I'd make a joke here, but it'd be like kicking the cripple kid out of his wheelchair on the playground. Just wrong, and totally unnecessary at this point.

While the Browns are desperate to trade down, I don't think it will happen because most teams in today's NFL remain too homophobic to start a phone relationship with some dudes nicknamed "ManKok" in order to "Get into his 5 slot." This leaves the Browns with a hard choice: Mark "Cinco de Mayo is in June, right?" Sanchez, or address the defense with linebackers Aaron Curry and Brian Orakpor, or the defense line with Tyson Jackson or BJ Raji. I think Orakpo is out because as the first year coach, the Man-Lack-Of-Genuis can't risk another Vernon Gholston pick. Mangini himself is a former Browns towel boy, he doesn't need to groom another by risking another top 10 tweener pick. Curry is ths safest pick, but the New England system is based on building up your D line, then filling in with LBs. Jackson is skyrocketing up draft boards as a 3-4 DE, which is a perfect fit, and Bj Raji is a potential 2 gap DT that can rotate outside with Shaun Rogers. I think the Browns go with Raji because they can move around their D Line the same way that the Pats can with Richard Seymore and Vince Wilfork. I'm not saying I like this pick-- anytime you draft a D lineman with a rep for taking plays off you are really playing with fire, but when I stop thinking with my head and start thinking with my ManKok, that's what I come up with (or go down on?).

6. Cincinnati: Andre Smith, T Alabama
Uncle D: Mandated suspensions . . . selfish attitudes . . . constantly failing to meet expectations. The Bengals would be committing a huge disservice to Andre Smith if they didn't draft him. Smith is genuinely hilarious. Since January, Smith has clearly demonstrated that no one in the last 5 years of the draft has more fervently believed his own hype. He violated Alabama team rules (probably for soliciting another booster without permission) and sat on the sideline as the Tide got embarrassed by a team of kids that will probably go pro in something else. He immediately declared that he was entering the draft and then apparently decided to take the next month off. He showed up out of shape at the combine in February to publicly demonstrate what he hadn't been doing and then departed unannounced after not participating in any drills. Once considered the number one overall prospect, Smith plummeted towards the bottom of the first round draft board, until . . . "the Bengals are now on the clock"

Since Jason Smith and Eugene Monroe are off our board, it is only fitting that the Bengals are forced to settle for the third best offensive and most (a)pathetic tackle at the 6th position. This bodes well for a team that just lost its best OT, Stacy Andrews, to free agency and now has to rely on a capricious rookie to protect a franchise quarterback who only possesses one of his own ACLs. Maybe the Bengals will have better luck with the 6th pick next year . . .

7. Oakland - Darrius Heyward-Bey, WR Maryland
Hoogs: Really? Darrius? The Raiders will most certainly take a WR in the #7 slot, because that's the position that gives Al Davis the closest thing he's had to a boner since the '70s. Many people are predicting them to take Jeremy Maclin here, and they may be right. Maclin has the explosive speed that Davis loves combined with the star power of his name. However the smart pick, and the one I believe they will make, is Heyward-Bey. His size and speed (he was the fastest player in the Feb combine), combined with strong hands and superior route-running (especially compared to Maclin) project him to be the better pro receiver. But knowing Al Davis, I wouldn't be surprised to see him "roll the dice" and take Quan Cosby.

Just kidding.

But seriously...look out.

8. Jacksonville: Michael Oher, OT Mississippi

Brooks: Remember two years ago, when we thought that Jacksonville was a Super Bowl contender? Unfortunately, Jack Del Rio chose to take the axe he keeps into his own locker room as opposed to his opponents, cutting dead wood like Marcus Stroud, Mike Peterson and Fred Taylor, while brilliantly building an offense based a back who has never run for 1,000 yards and wide out who has more grams of coke on her person right now than career touchdown receptions. Jacksonville could go anywhere with this pick, so while Al Davis may be old and crazy, the Jags are the true Charlie Day-esque "Wildcard" in this draft.

The Jags have no leaders at this pick: they need a wideout and could go with Macklin, Sanchez will entice them as a QB, they could use Aaron Curry to stablize the LB. But one thing we know about the ever-growing metropolis of Jacksonville-- like Patrick Ewing, they may make a lot of money, but they spend a lot of money. They overpaid for David Gerard and Maurice Jones-Drew, so now they will over pay for OT Michael Oher. While I'm a fan of Oher because I love the book Moneyball and the film based on his life is currently being filmed at my school, he's a reach at 9. The good news is, if he does pan out and can protect Gerard for 12-15 seconds per play, Reggie Williams may catch his first pass almost as fast as Ron Mexico caught Herpes at VA Tech.

9. Green Bay: Aaron Curry, LB, Wake Forest
Uncle D: The Packers have had a tumultuous 14 months. They were an OT drive away from the Super Bowl until Favre froze like an extra from "The Day After Tomorrow" mid-pass. Then, after a summer of opening his Wrangler zipper halfway in front of the Packer fan base, Favre decided to jeopardize/further demonstrate his legacy of throwing into triple coverage and committing spirit crushing 4th Quarter interceptions in another uniform (typical stat line 27/43, 257, 2-3, L). Meanwhile, while Aaron Rodgers threw 28 TDs and led the Packers to ten games of 24 points or more, the Packers defense proved to be more swiss than cheddar, allowing over a 130 yards rushing a game. So in order to improve their defense, they brought in the Mike Morgan of coaches, Dom Capers. Seriously, whenever a team enlists the services of Capers, they are guaranteed to be playing against him in 3 years.

Packers GM Ted Thompson has developed a reputation of always picking the best player available, regardless of position, on draft day. This would be an excellent approach if he knew who that was. For the purposes of our draft, that player seems to be Curry (however I doubt Thompson would agree). Curry is a run-stopping linebacker that will complement the 3-4 defensive scheme Capers is implementing in Green Bay. He would make an instant defensive impact playing alongside A.J. Hawk and Aaron Kampman, who would be rotated to LB on some downs. This pick would generate positive buzz in Green Bay and take the focus away from the egregious home and away Hawk-Quinn Jerseys that Brady's man-faced sister is sewing for the Browns-Packers preseaon and regular season contests respectively.

10. San Francisco: Brian Orakpo, DE/OLB, Texas
Hoogs: The Niners are perhaps more relevant now than they have been in ages. Have you seen this what's happening out there (http://bit.ly/uQ8jH)?? But seriously, they will be panning for a lot more than gold in this draft. They need a lot of help and could take Maclin with this pick. But they are rumored to be enamored with Orakpo. And they should be. He is a freak of nature. He has the speed and raw power to be a force in the league and I believe he will be an All-Pro for many years. And I'm not simply fellating him because I'm a Longhorn. The Niners are weak on defense and Orakpo will fit in well as a hybrid in Greg Manusky's true 3-4 scheme. Write this down: He will be the first "Rak" in the San Francisco locker room since Jeff Garcia's famed "Rack" on which he did things which we still do not talk about to this day.

11. Buffalo: Aaron Maybin, DE/LB Penn State
Brooks: This is a major draft for the Buffalo Bills. After the signing of a certain wide receiver who is still paying the consequences of not calling Skip Bayless once after sex, the entire city of Buffalo was shocked to hear that they are "North America's Team." The protests of the nation of Mexico fall on deaf ears, because even though I think the Chargers new stadium is planned to be built in suburban Tiajuana (and the Bills must've drank the worm in order to actually sign TO), the Bills earned this title by actually playing their games in Canada. Yes, Canada, the Bills played two games in Toronto last fall. I know you thought that was just another lame Canada joke on "How I Met Your Mother," but we are actually serious about this.

The Maybin decision should be easy for the Bills, and not just because everyone has predicted this pick for three months now. While drafting Rey Maualuga will would enhnace the North America's Team image, they drafted a run stopper last year. They had the 22nd ranked defense in the league last year, and Maybin is a pure pass rusher who will probably start at a pure blitzing linebacker until he can put on some weight and move to defensive end. This should also be a natural transition in life for Maybin. He will work alongside former team mate Paul Posluszny, will go from one grizzled, geriatric leader who seemingly does nothing anymore including change himself (Joe Paterno) for another (Bill's owner Paul Wilson), and State College, PA is a short drive so it won't be a long journey for him to actually meet an attractive woman in a bar.

12. Denver: Mark Sanchez. So Hot Right Now. Mark Sanchez, QB USC
Uncle D: Mark Sanchez is so hot right now that he could either play on Sundays or become a cast member of "The Hills" and hang around Brody Jenner's pool party talking shit about some emaciated bitch in a sack dress. If you want to read about his meteroic rise up the board, you can unstick pages 13 and 14 of Mark McShay's draft guide

Speaking of "The Hills", the Broncos had some drama of their own this off-season when Jay Cutler threw a bitch fit after new coach Josh McDaniels tried to bring in "some random" to replace him at quarterback. Cutler is gone and nobody, aside from the Broncos team chef, is happier than offensive guru McDaniels, who now has the opportunity to groom a young quarterback from the ground up. Granted, Kyle Orton is now in Denver, but even he concedes that, granted, he is Kyle Orton.

Much like Green Bay, Denver is converting to a 3-4 defensive scheme, so selecting an athletic LB or DE should be a priority, but we are talking about Mark Effin Sanchez. Plus, he dons number 6, which should generate ire from passive aggressive quarterback Jay Cutler who, during the Broncos-Bears pre-season match-up, will mutter "I can't believe he's wearing what I'm wearing" under his breath right before his pass richocets off the chest of #1 receiver Rashied Davis in the endzone.

Now that the Broncos are off the clock, I am going to pre-order my Sanchez Fat-Head. Pre-Ordered Mark Sanchez Fat Head. So hot right now. Pre-Ordered Mark Sanchez Fat Head.

A Six Pack of Smooth, Genuine Draft

I am a high school teacher, and as a model of proper behavior for both male and female students, I pride myself on my ability to evaluate people based on their personality and worth as people, not simply their physical characteristics. This does not just apply to the work place, but also to my everyday life. I do not judge people based on their bodies.

So thank god for the NFL Draft. For what is normally three months every year, but thanks to ESPN has grown to 12 months a year, we can be as vain as we want. Mel Kiper, Todd McShay, and the entire group at Scouts, Inc, all make it OK to judge people based on their height, weight, arm strength, and speed. I mean, c'mon, they even take an IQ test for us to ridicule for the rest of time (ain't that right, Vince, with that awesome 7 Wonderlic score). For you college students getting ready to enter the workforce, this in an important lesson: tell a female co-worker that she looks top-heavy and you'll get fired, call an NFL draft prospect top heavy and you'll avoid drafting Courtney Brown and his chronically bad knees #1 overall.

So, as we approach the draft, here are my first round guaranteed success stories:

1. Michael Crabtree: His career stats at Texas Tech: 231 receptions, 3,127 yards, 13.5 YPC, and 41 TDs. 2 time All-America All-America and 2 time Biletnikoff Award winner. Hands down, the best player in the draft. We are not only saying that because he was our pick for the Heisman this year, but because he runs great routes and will play through injuries (like he did with his sprained ankle and broken foot this year-- and still had 1,000 receiving yards). He's a shorter Larry Fitzgerald, which means he'll be less of a deep threat since he can't jump over DBs as well, but will be an immediate contributer on any team as their Y receiver.



2. Knowshon Moreno: He ran 250 times for 1400 yards and 16 TDs this past year. He also isn't a one year wonder, as he averaged 5.4 and 5.6 yards per carry the past two years. He had long runs of 68 and 52 yards this year, so he's a deep threat, and can also catch the ball well out of the backfield. He's a stud, and the best RB prospect in the draft by far. While you can question whether or not any running back is worth a first round pick, you can't question that he's going to be productive for whatever team is lucky enough to take him.


3. Aaron Curry: This linebacker is by far the best defensive prospect in the draft. At 6'1" 250 lbs he has the size to play either middle linebacker in a 4-3 or inside linebacker in a 3-4. The knock on him is that he only had 1 sack all of last year, but with 4.5 forty speed he has more than enough wheels to get to the QB (people like Peter King seem to forget that since he's an MLB, other players will be creating gaps for him to blitz through, no fighting through tacklers). Personally, I'm not sure that any MLB is worth top 10 money in the league, but I think he's a sure fire pick to be at least a consistent starter in the league for 6 plus years.

4. Hakeem Nicks: He's very similar in size and stats to Crabtree. He is 6'1", 215 lbs at his playing weight, and last year caught 68 passes for 1,222 yards (18 YPC) and a school record 12 TD passes. He also had the most ridiculous catch of the year, so you know he has great hands. The knock on him is that he's had trouble keeping his weight down this off season, which while it seems like a minor thing to you and me, that is the equivalent of you showing up hungover as shit for your own job interview. Doesn't mean you won't be good at your job, but it definitely raises some questions. There is a bit of Mike Williams to him, but I think he's going to make it and will turn out to be a steal in the mid-20s in the first round.

5. Rey Maualuga: This ILB stud was the lynchpin of USC stellar defenses the past two seasons. He's worked under Pete Carroll, so you know he understands how to make calls in a NFL-type defense. He doesn't have blazing speed, but if you pop in any big game for the past two years (2 Rose Bowls, the Ohio State game), and you'll see a guy who is a game changer. He will be Lofa Tatupu in his ability to instantly start and generate turnovers in the passing game at the NFL level.

6. Clay Matthews III: Since he's finally put that story of a positive test for steroids behind him, as well as his bizarre decision to start a Facebook group called "White Power," he can now go about becoming a stud in the NFL. He was a walk on at USC that turned out to be a great DE/LB in their 3-4/4-3 hybrid scheme. He's probably a weak side LB in a 4-3, but he'll be a great addition to any team. Also, his Dad was my hero when eh played for the Browns and I'm amazed that he rocks the same locks as his Dad in the 80s.

Spring Update

Spring has sprung, but unfortunately, with these longer days and ever-growing pollen counts, college sports stories have been few and far between. Most media outlets are concerned primarily with the start of the major league baseball season and the season finale of "The Sarah Connor Chronicles," so my attention has turned elsewhere since the end of the Final Four. Luckily though, there have been a couple of stories that have emerged this month.

1. The Reggie Bush Scandal has re-emerged. Word has come through the grapevine that the NCAA is going to merge their investigations of USC for the recruitment of Reggie Bush and OJ Mayo. This is a big deal because since it covers the two most prominent sports teams in the University, and covers a period of more than 5 years, it is all but guaranteed that if these charges stick the USC Athletic Department will get a "Failure to Monitor" or whatever the official legal-ese phrasing is. Long story short: it could mean forfeiture of scholarships long term, and forfeiture of wins (like, hypothetically, certain National Championships in 2004). It would also put not only the career, but the legacy of arguably the greatest college coach this decade in Pete Carroll. Granted, finding out that Carroll is dirty in recruiting is about as shocking as seeing Slumdog Millionaire winning best Oscar (wait wait wait, a movie with minorities in prominent positions, poverty, and music, and the Academy liked it? How?!), it will still be a huge shift in the college sporting world.

2. Spring Scrimmages have brought football back to us. And if there is one thing to be drawn from the write ups that different outlets have put up, it's that new starting QBs are the centerpieces of the practices this month. At the Michigan, Florida, and Alabama spring games, new QBs were all the rage. Tate Forcier looked better than expected in Ann Arbor, John Brantley tore up the Florida defense despite working with the second team in the Blue-Orange Game, and Greg McElroy emerged as the clear #1 in Tuscaloosa despite throwing 2 picks in front of 84,000 fans. People are also thrilled to see who wins the 3 way battle at Souther Cal between Mitch Mustain, Aaron Corp and Matt Barkley. Of these, Forcier is going to be the most interesting to watch since he's young, will get to play from the opening snap of the season, and has an offense that has the potential to let him flourish. In the long run, Brantley is the guy to watch. Florida's offenses have the ability to put up Sega Dreamcast-esque numbers, that is unless he turns Tebow into the NCAA for 40 pieces of silver. If he does that, he'll just be a hero to college football fans everywhere.

3. Huge Upsets in College Lacrosse: Duke beating Virginia? Princeton losing to Cornell? Two weekends in lax, two weekends where the #1 team in the nation lost on the road. The problem with college lacrosse for the last ten years is that the same four teams have consistently bought their tickets to the Final Four before the season each started: Princeton, Syracuse, Virginia and Johns Hopkins. This year, there are signs that there might be good matchups in the tournaments before the final weekend. While the Big 4 are still in it for sure, Notre Dame, Hobart, Cornell, Bucknell, Towson, UNC and Hofstra have all shown the potential to make a run in May. If you haven't been watching-- and judging by the fact that ESPNU's ratings are lower than repeats of the Gold Girls on Oxygen, you haven't-- you're missing out.

4. Don't worry if you suck at basketball. Are you kidding me? No, seriously, are you f-cking kidding me? This is insane. If Paulus actually sees a snap of more significance of the last play in Rudy, the NCAA should mandate that Michigan moves down to the ODAC, because honestly, I think the high powered running attack of Guilford College might be too much for Big Blue to handle anyway. This is one of the most embarrassing moments of my fandom. And this is coming from someone who grew up in Cleveland.

5. The NFL Draft doth Approacheth. I don't have a Big Board, and every time I attempt to disseminate misinformation around my office, I get brought into the principal's office for "corrupting America's youth," so I'm certainly not Mel Kiper. But, I do love the Draft (again, Cleveland fan, dreaming of next year is literally the only thing that keeps me even watching this f-cking bitch of a game), so check back this week to see our various draft previews.

Congratulations, even if belated

Congrats to our 2009 Office Tailgate Pool Champion, Uncle D! Your prize, a gift basket of assorted latex products courtesy of our friends at Vandalay Industries, should arrive in the next 4-6 weeks. Until then, wear this Crown as a reflection of a job well done.

National Title Game Pregame

So as we approach the tip off tonight, it is hard to find anyone really covering this game. I don't even know if the major networks even understand that it's climactic conclusion to another basketball season. They've spent so much time recapping the most recent NCAA swimming championships and previewing this summer's NCAA mixed-doubles teams on the West Coast, they've completely neglected the sport that draws the third largest arena crowd in college sports.

But seriously, we do have a great match up tonight, probably the championship game I've been most excited to watch since Grant Hill and Duke took on Nolan Richardson and his aggressive "17 Years in This Racist Hell" Arkansas Razorbacks. You have two conferences that are similar, yet different: The ACC is known as one of the most talented offensive conferences, the Big 10 is known for its physical, defensive nature; both have also recently taken a hit nationally with the rise of the Big East as a basketball power and, umm, the demise of Ohio State in BCS football games? You have two incredibly talented by contrasting team philosophies: UNC plays fast and in transition with only 7 players or so, while Michigan State tries to hold teams under 70 points by bumping cutters and owning the boards and using their bench. You also have two very different storylines: Michigan State trying to win in front of the economically depressed/casserole loving Detroit crowd, while UNC is the preseason favorite that had its starters turn down NCAA money for the chance to put another banner up in the Dean Dome.

What is most appealing to this game in my opinion, however, is the coaching match up. Roy Williams has proven that he is one of the top two, if not the best (along with Calipari), coach in college basketball since moving to Chapel Hill. Since returning to UNC in 2003, he has 1 National Title, 3 Final Fours, and an elite eight in 6 years. He has also raked in two #1 ranked recruiting classes (2006 and 2009), so it appears his dynasty is here to stay. Tom Izzo, on the other hand, has solid recruits but has established himself as one of the best tournament coaches of his generation. Since 1995, he has a national title, 5 Final Fours, 2 Big Ten Tournament Titles, and 6 Elite Eights. More impressive, in tournament games with only 2 days to prepare, Izzo is a staggering 14-2, which shows he is one of best coaches in preparing a game plan in the country. I was at a bar with a mutual friend on Friday, and he summed up Izzo best during the tournament: "In the last five minutes, you know he'll have plenty of timeouts, and every time he calls a play it's guaranteed they are going to score on the play he draws up."

Watching these two coaching titans go head to head in a chess game to see who can dictate the pace of play is incredibly exciting. I can't wait. While I'm rooting for MSU, I have to say I'm not sure that UNC can be beaten by any team other than themselves. UNC wins on the back of Ty Lawson