East and West Bracket Predictions

Brooks:

So, here are my predictions for the East. I'm not sure why I was picked to ask about the East, after all my preference for the early 90s hip-hop of Snoop (as he was known at the time) "Doggy Dogg" over Mo-Mo-Glorious P.I.G. is well established. Uncle D is also from the greater New York City, which I'm pretty sure Sarah Palin told me was on the East Coast at some point, so this really makes sense. But, I will do my best. Uncle D will give you the left half later, which I strongly recommend you pay more attention to. My fearless first round predictions for the East . . .

1 Pittsburgh v 16 E. Tennessee St: No 16 seed has ever, ever, EVER deserved to even make the tournament. It's absolutely ridiculous they are even included. Pittsburgh is steel city, and they are going to ram one long rod straight up the ass of poor ETSU.

8 Oklahoma St v 9 Tennessee: Not going to lie, I'm already tired of typing the word "Tennesee" in this post, especially if it doesn't include the phrase "Lane Kiffin recruiting violations," or even better, "Lane Kiffin's ridiculously hot wife." The only thing I'm more sick of is Bruce Pearl and his shameless self-promotion. Thanks, Bruce, you finally answered my age-old debate of "Is there anyone I would like to see topless less than Pat Summit"?

5 Florida State v 12 Wisconsin: In what will certainly be the most un-watchable game of the tournament, we will see if it will be the most boring 12-5 upset ever. Florida State is the typical overranked tourney team: so-so regular season record, big conference tournament run, still ended their season on a loss, and don't play for 4 days between the ACC and NCAA tournament to cool off. Bo Ryan chokes hard in the tourney, but not even he can blow this one.

4 Xavier v 13 Portland State: My fraternity in college used to say it didn't suck and that we were cool, even though we rarely had attractive girls show up and even more rarely did they let us touch them in their precious "bikini zone." Xavier refuses to call itself a mid-major, even though it plays in the A-10 and almost never gets past the Sweet Sixteen. They still win this game, but they are also as crappy at basketball as my friends are with women.

6 UCLA v 11 VCU: I pointed out in our Selection Show Live Blog that the last time VCU made the tournament as an 11 seed, they knocked off 6th ranked Duke. Duke was a traditional power that had a down year, but probably got a higher seed than it deserved. UCLA didn't win the weak Pac 10, but still got a 6 seed because it was in the last 3 Final Fours. Interesting, but I still think UCLA will pull this one off (but it'll be close).

3 Villanova v 14 American: I'm just going to go ahead and say it-- America voted for Obama in 2008, and therefore, Americans hate America. For those of you who like logic games, by the transitive property of Obama that means that: America hates capitalism, America hates our troops, and America hates apple pie. Americans, by definition, also hate American University. Go Nova.

7 Texas v 10 Minnesota: All Gophers in this one. Suck it, Hoogs. (And thanks, Mike, for becoming a follower of Office Tailgate!)

2 Duke v 15 Binghamton: When your most famous basketball alum is Tony Kornheiser, who is an athlete in the sense that he covered the Washington Bullets during the George Muresan-era of DC basketball, you're pretty much screwed. I'm not sure who Duke's coach is, mostly because American Express dropped me almost as fast as they dropped their celebrity-spokespeople, but I'm sure he's good enough to get them to the second round.

WEST BRACKET:

Uncle D:

1. Connecticut vs. 16. Chattanooga:  As a Big East team, it will be interesting to see what impact playing in the West Bracket will have on UCONN.  Hopefully for Coach Calhoun, his squad can not only adapt to traveling to Philadelphia, but will be able to avoid confusion when Villanova doesn't come running on the court in their home whites.  I am picking UCONN, not because they are a superior team, but because a flukey conference tournament run by Chattanooga deprived The Citadel of a tournament appearance.  My father's alma mater won 20 games this year, matching their previous decade high.

8. BYU vs. 9. Texas A&M: The Cougars, also known as "The Real Players of BYU Basketball," traditionally boast a squad consisting of older players.  I visited three different sites listing their roster and each had an empty DOB column, perhaps the records don't go back that far. Consequently, I am picking the fresh legs of Texas A&M and hope they can convert on this seemingly favorable first round match-up.

5. Purdue vs. 12. Northern Iowa: I believe Northern Iowa has been overly confident since hearing they had been matched up against the Big 10 Champions.  Consequently, they have been watching film of Washington and Mississippi State all week.  Thus, Purdue, in spite of Coach McMahon's overly physical style of coaching, will emerge  victorious.

4. Washington vs. 13. Mississippi State: The overall national consensus has deemed Mississippi State a dangerous 13 seed and I am in complete agreement.  It is absolutely dangerous for college basketball when the champion of a presumed national power conference is ranked this low, yet it is not low enough.  If this trend continues, maybe next year Florida may be the first 16 to beat a 1. Washington rolls in this one.

6. Marquette vs. 11. Utah St: Dickie V was decidedly surprised when the Selection Committee grossly overlooked Big East power Marquette as a 1 seed. His justifiable expectations aside, I don't want to deprive the state of Utah (they do enough abstaining of their own) of a team advancing to the second round, hence I am going with the Aggies.

3. Missouri vs. 14 Cornell:  I am taking Missouri, not because I have the Tigers advancing to the Final 4, but because Cornell players will be too preoccupied critiquing and evaluating the management of their hotel to review any film.

7. California vs. 10 Maryland: If these two teams dated, would they be the 'Bearappins'? Awful comments like that indicate how disinterested I am in discussing a match-up of two mediocre teams that benefit from playing in major conferences.  I am going with Cal because Deion Sanders believes in Kyle Boller. 

2. Memphis vs. Cal St. Northridge: It is ironic that, even though Memphis plays in something called Conference USA, all they do is run.  Despite the button making efforts of the Northridge parents, Memphis will advance to the second round.  

   

South and Midwest Bracket Bold Predictions

Brooks:


So, in an effort to bring you the insights of 4 college educated young men who at different stages of life have managed to have the box labled "gainfully employed" checked in their health club applications (which we then never used, damn Gold's Gym and their sexy, manipulating ads), we present you our predictions for the first round of the tournament. Disclaimer to all of you who are going to base your own brackets on what follows: Zach Braff has a better chance of reclaiming whatever remaining shred of masculinity his character on Scrubs had in Season 2 than we do of breaking our collective streak of never winning the tournament (no one's buying the new "Party of 5" stubble-beard, JD). But then again, according to trademarked logos at the bottom of my bracket, this tournament brings "Madness" so stranger things than us actually getting picks right has happened.

So, here are my predictions for the bracket, from top to bottom of the South region:

1 North Carolina v. 16 Radford: When I was in college, Radford had the highest rate herpes of any school in the country. Rumor had it that Radford also had the third highest rate of STD's of any school in the country. More startling, Kenyon was #1 for STDs! Have you seen girls there? They are hideous! I guess after 4 years around those hosebeasts, I'd do anything to get some too. Unfortunately, the Tar Heels aren't herpes, and you've got to be about more than suppression when taking on Tyler Hansborough (who is also a virus to pretty basketball everywhere). Long story short: UNC will win this despite Ty Lawson's bum toe.

8 LSU v 9 Butler: Two school's with storied histories. Shaq played at LSU 15 years ago, and Butler was the host of the title game in "Hoosiers." SEC basketball deserved fewer automatic teams in the NCAA tournament than the Big East gets in the BCS, so I cannot in good faith predict them to win. I'm going with the Bulldogs in this one.

5 Illinois v 12 Western Kentucky: Every year it seems there is a 12-5 upset. Bruce Weber is one of the worst in-game coaches I have ever seen in a game. Last year, WKU pulled off the 12-5 upset over Drake, and went 24-8 this year. I was all set to make a joke about a friend of mine who grew up in Bowling Green, KY (the college town of WKU), but I'm changing my mind. Go Hilltoppers!

4 Gonzaga v 13 Akron: Akron is the hometown of the greatest basketball player alive, and by greatest I mean the man who I would literally let impregnate me if he re-signs with the Cavs in 2010 and wins multiple titles for my hometown, in LeBron James. His old coach is now the coach at Akron. Unfortunately, the play "Give it to the 6'9" 275 lb freshman and let him dunk" probably isn't in their repetoire. Also, the one year I won a bracket was in 1999 when I picked the Zags to make it to the Elite 8. Since then, like the guy who keeps his "lucky condom" in his wallet nearly a decade after his last sexual encounter, I have always picked the Zags. This year is no different.

6 Arizona State v 11 Temple: Is John Chaney coaching this game? Dennis Erickson? Then what the hell do I care about this game? My bracket says I pick Arizona State. Smart money is on betting that everyone goes back to the work when this game is on.

3 Syracuse v 14 Stephen F Austin: Really? Are you kidding me? Syracuse gets a pity 3 seed because it went to 6 OTs with UConn. And you pit them against Stephen F. Austin, who is-- wait, what the hell am I even writing about them for? Syracuse wins because I don't believe Texas is a real state

7 Clemson v 10 Michigan: Hail, to the Victors Valient! Hail, to the Conquering Heroes! Hail! Hail to Michigan, the Leaders and Best! Michigan will win, mostly because I love them and I don't think Dabo coaches the men's basketball team (only that women's team in the fall that plays on Saturdays-- zing!)

2 Oklahoma v 15 Morgan State: Blake Griffin won player of the year. Jeff Capel hit a half court shot that sent Duke-UNC into OT, which means he won't blow it until at least the second round as a coach. Moragan State, yeah, I pretty much don't believe that's a real place. Oklahoma wins easily.

MIDWEST BRACKET

Uncle D:

1. Louisville vs. 16(a/b) Play-In Game Winner: I don't know which was more surprising, the NCAA Selection Committee's decision to deem Louisville the #1 overall seed in the tournament, or their bestowing undeserving Alabama State with the coveted 16a designation. Either way, Louisville is advancing and every college-aged douche is rooting for Morehead this evening.

8. Ohio State vs 9. Siena: Last weekend, Thad Motta's squad shed their bubble status by wining two games en route to a Big Ten Championship appearance despite attempting to run 75% of the offense through junior sensation Greg Oden. Something tells me Siena figures out Oden is a Trail Blazer before Motta does. Siena wins going away.

5. Utah vs. 12. Arizona: Utah coach Jim Boylen has perfected the traditional Pick-and-Doleac offense that has defined the program since the late 90's. His mastery will continue as Utah will rotate volleyball sensation and future New Jersey Net Chase Buddinger out of the tournament.

4. Wake Forest vs. 13. Cleveland State: Memphis Coach John Calipari said that, after reviewing the tape of Cleveland State's victory at Syracuse, Wake Forest can be upset. I think it's in the margins for a coach to opine on potential Tourney outcomes so long as they are not within his region. Apparently Rick Pitino does not feel the same way. I hope Pitino's new neighbor (think Scott Bakula in 'American Beauty') will invite him over to watch the rest of the tournament after the Deacons run all over him in the 16.

6. West Virginia vs. 11. Dayton: I don't know how to approach this match-up. On one hand, I have my Huggins Rule (not the punitive one that will some day be implemented by the NCAA) which dictates that he throws up all over himself in the tournament every other year. Last year, his Mountaineers defeated Duke en route to the Sweet 16 (he celebrated by not getting caught drunk driving) . Thus, by the stern dictates of the aforementioned rule, West Virginia is bound for a 1st round departure. However, I have picked Dayton to advance to the second round in each of their last three tournament appearances, only to see them get bounced and my bracket slightly disrupted. I am going to pick West Virginia because I still scream "You Just Got Pittsnoggled" every time I hit a three in someone's face, something that hasn't happened since Pittsnoggle was a sophomore.

3. Kansas vs North Dakota State: I believe Kansas will advance because Bill Self now knows how to win a championship--In the last 5 minutes of this match-up, Kansas will continue to send North Dakota State's superior athletes to the line, where they will subsequently miss free throw after free throw . . .

7. Boston College vs. 10. USC: After surprising everyone by winning the PAC-10 Tournament on Sunday, USC is a lukewarm team. However, USC will bring enough heat to beat a Principal Skinner squad that lost Head On to a terrible Harvard team.

2. Michigan State vs. 15. Robert Morris: Are Tom Izzo and Steve Mariucci really friends, or is Izzo just that polite? Either way, I have Michigan State advancing to the championship game and it all starts with this first round match-up. Izzo will handle it diplomatically and rest his starters mid-way through the 2nd half as not to run up the score. Consequently, Izzo will acquire a new friend whom he now can call Bob (terrible)

Selection Show Blog

Uncle D: The NCAA Tournament Selection Committee is moments away from taking a cue from Aubrey Coleman and stomping on Chase Buddinger's face.

Aside from Dick Vitale's prediction of 6 #1 seeds from the Big East not coming to fruition and Arizona's imminent exclusion, I have no idea what is about to be unveiled. Therefore, Brooks and I will take this opportunity to document the action.

All I know is that a 8-9 Texas-Tennessee match-up seems all but inevitable.

6:01
Brooks: Louisville is apparently our #1 overall seed. This is truly surprising, since all I've heard all week is that UConn and Pitt were by far the best teams in the nation-- if not the world-- this year. Hopefully, Pitino will do his best abominable snowman and wear white all year long

6:05
Uncle D: Greg Gumble is sparkling in Hi-Def as he reveals that Pittsburgh, UCONN, Louisville, and UNC are recipients of the #1 seed. I must concede to Dickie V. that 3 out of 6 isn't bad.

6:07
Uncle D: 3 Big East teams are #1 Seeds.

CBS just revealed that Villanova and Syracuse are #2s respectively.

Brooks: Really, we're giving the Big East three #1 seeds? This is ridiculous. I really hope all those haters of the BCS remember this moment-- what the hell did "settling it on the floor" do for basketball this year? UConn and Pitt lose in the first round of their tournaments, but are still #1 seeds? Why even have the damn conference tournaments? Give me a break. The Big East has more hype and less production each year than post-Goodfella's Scorcese movies

6:10
Brooks: Sorry, D, but Ohio State actually drew Sienna, not Texas. More unfortunate for Thad Matta, though, as any team from the MEAC is way tougher than any Rick Barnes squad.

Uncle D: At the last minute I switched it up and predicted a Texas-Tenneessee match-up, which adds up, considering I want Bruce Pearl's jacket burnt.

6:11:
Brooks: Well, we can guarantee what 12-5 upset will not happen this year: Arizona should not have gotten a bid period, and no way they can pull off the upset of Utah (who I assume is still coached by jelly rolled-Rick Majerus). Cleveland State over Wake, on the other hand, could be a sleeper pick

Uncle D: Alright, so Arizona is in. Buddinger is going to let his Volleyball Coach that he will be back at practice next Saturday . . .

6:13
Brooks: I'm going to go ahead and call Dayton over WVU right now. Bob Huggins chokes in tournaments like a drifter in a S&M film, and Dayton always plays well in the tournament.

Uncle D: With all due respect, Huggy Bear did beat Duke last year . . . although, you're right, that doesn't really count anymore.

Brooks: Good point, but they are the Dayton Flyers-- if they all wear PF Flyers as well (enabling them to run faster and jump higher, guaranteed!) they'll be unstoppable!

6:15
Brooks: Well, if there was ever any doubt about Michael Jordan's ego, this settles it. The new Jump Man 23 commercials make fun of a Manhattan College priest, who's weak "prayers" to "God" were no match for the true savior-- Wake Forest's Chris Paul. I really hope Matt Damon and Ben Affleck aren't watching, or if they are, Jordan and his ad team remember to say "God bless you" after Damon sneezes

6:17
Uncle D: Purdue Coach Shane McMahon is pleased that a likely 2nd Round match-up will occur on Saturday, giving him plenty of time to participate in the Pay-Per-View next Sunday.

Mississippi State nabs a 13 seed after emerging victorious as SEC Tournament Champions. I am vexed as this accomplishment should have guaranteed then a spot in the play-in game.

Brooks: I agree, the SEC should only have gotten 2 bids period this year, and even that's generous. Unless Tebow suddenly realizes he can jump, 3 SEC teams in the tournament, like 3 nipples on a woman, is just awkward and embarrassing for everyone

6:18
Brooks: Well, we now have our first 12-5 upset. Purdue drew Northern Iowa, and since Hubert Davis swears both that he has a college degree and that the Big 10 will not win a single game in the tournament, that means that Purdue is going down. I have to admit, watching Robbie Hummel cry on national tv will be even funnier and more enjoyable than watching Adam Morrison cry every time he realizes that he's still not going to start in the NBA ever

6:20
Brooks: Mizzou is a 3 seed? Are you kidding me? That's awful.

Also, Texas A&M-BYU has to be the most unwatchable game of the tournament so far

Uncle D: It is only fitting BYU's mascot is a cougar considering every student who participates in athletics is at least 26.

6:22
Uncle D: Texas and Tenneessee are still on the board . . . or off, I suppose.

We'll see, but with 2 brackets left, the likelihood of the 8-9 match-up is gaining momentum . . .

Brooks: I'm sorry, D, but Texas miraculously and inexplicably pulled off a 7 seed. Tennessee was a 9 seed, and while they should still play Texas as the Volunteers are the only Tenn-Seed-I-See in their region (awful), they instead draw the Sutton-less Ok State Cowboys

6:25
Brooks: I would like to say that Seth Davis' pedophile-esque pedasmile is really starting to creep me out

Uncle D: Well you can't help but develop one when you spend most of your year drooling over scouting tapes of high school boys and, sometimes, refer to them as 'Bigs'

6:26
Brooks: Wisconsin-Florida State as a 12-5 game? Bo Ryan, who is incapable of winning in the post season, versus a Florida State team that is wildly overranked based on 2 games in their conference tournament? Will a team even win this game? The loser will certainly be Dr. Naismith's dreams for the future of the game. It will be painful to watch, but Badgers are moving on to the second round

6:27
Uncle D: Duke is a two and is all but guaranteed a Sweet 16

6:28:
Brooks: VCU- UCLA as the 11-6 game. Two years ago as the 11 seed, VCU knocked off a traditional power that was over hyped and relying on legacy to get a decent seed (Duke). Sound familiar at all?

Uncle D: I don't know who is going to win this game, all I know is that I am just rooting for good anagrams

6:33
Brooks: I'm calling Butler over LSU. It's 8-9, so not a real upset, but it's all about the Bulldogs and their 12 year old coach

6:34
Uncle D: I can't wait for the 12-13 Western Kentucky-Akron match-up.

The South Region is fucking terrible!

Psycho T and Blake Griffin on the same court in 2 weeks?

Can the same douche occupy the same space at the same time?

Brooks: while I cannot comment on the laws of Douche-o-dynamics, or the general doucheability of the teams in involved, the South is ridiculously awful. Anytime Stephen F Austin is a 13 seed, you need to re-examine you ability to understand basketball

Wait, Syracuse is a 3 seed? Seriously? My god, how did I miss this! Just blow up this region

6:37
Brooks: Seth Davis has daringly declared that all 4 #1 seeds will easily make it to the Final Four. It's that kind of daring insight and mastery of the game that makes him the best in the biz. Thank goodness for Greg Anthony, who remains strong in his predictions like Gonzaga despite not having the kidney's to perform basic filtration functions, so if the games get tight he can't help but piss himself on air

Uncle D: Speaking of Greg Anthony, CBS just displayed a graphic revealing that UNLV's bubble burst. All he can do is bite his lip and put away his tear(?) stained Runnin' Rebel comic book . . .

6:44
Uncle D: Alright, Brooks, who is in your Final 3, as I am totally discounting the viability of the winner of the South Region?

Brooks: South? SOUTH? There is no f-cking South!
My gut reaction is pushing me in this direction: I think that Michigan State will Izz-own the Midwest regional based on proximity and the fact that that Lousiville is not the 1997 Kentucky team. I'm between Memphis and Marquette in the West, but leaning toward Memphis right now. And finally, even though they have single handedly destroyed my entire bracket 3 years in a row by not making the Final Four, I will show my inability to learn from past mistakes (much like the selection committee) and pick Pitt out of the East. What about you, Uncle D? What is your immediate reaction?

Uncle D.

Midwest: Izzo State--I pick them far every year, but for the first time in a while, they have a favorable bracket i.e. Principal Skinner or Floyd in the 2nd Round.

West - Mizzou - No rhyme or reason to this pick, but their coach beat UK as a 9 when he was at UAB.

East: Vanilla-Nova--Only because Jay Wright just bought 4 new suits at Men's Warehouse and it would be tragic if he didn't flaunt his threads. Although, you wouldn't know by looking at his outfit, but Nova isn't that good at the stripe.

South - UNC, although I may pick Butler to beat them in the 2nd Round because I sat next to their Dean of Students on a plane once and he gave me the window.

ACC Tournament Live Blog

Brooks: After two months away, Uncle D and I are back for another live blog. We were debating which Big 10 tournament game to follow, but the only thing more unwatchable than Big 10 football right now is Tubbie Smith's Big 10 basketball. We were also going to do the Big East tournament, but after an unfortunate question about his salary, I am no longer allowed within 100 feet of Jim Calhoun per order of a Connecticut judge. Ironic, since he apparently is no longer allowed within 100 feet of a postseason win.

So, we bring your Florida State v. Georgia Tech-- two basketball schools playing the sports they are known for. This win should be easier for FSU than their online music classes.

Actually, scratch that. After looking at the defense and the match ups the ACC was going to play against us, Uncle D and I have decided to switch back to the Big 10. I have no reason why I'm willingly subjecting myself to the insights of Steve Lavin and Brent Musberger, but at least Erin Andrews will help us get through this difficult time.

Uncle D: "When two Big Ten powerhouses get together, you should pick the under"

When I was in Vegas during the Big Ten Tournament two years ago, I faithfully adhered to this suggestion (despite its generous interpretation of powerhouse) and came out $70 ahead.

For today's match-up, I would like to modify the betting recommendation to the following:

When two shitty Big Ten teams get together, ALWAYS pick the under--even if the line is holding at 45.

Place your bets now and enjoy the 10 passes per possession and endless back-door screens that define Bo Ryan basketball.

19:28 Left in the 1st
Brooks: Well, it's been 40 seconds and we've watched a tip off and entire Wisco possession without Brent Musberger talking about the events on the floor once. What we do know is that he disagrees with Joe Lundardi's #1 seeds in his bracket this morning-- apparently Brent's been working on his Bracketology degree on nights and weekends. That is how you do play-by-play, kids.

At least he realized it wasn't football season anymore

17:54 in the First
Uncle D: I am at a bar watching this match-up and the big screen is currently on mute--it is a good thing that Big Ten basketball is fundamentally sound. However, I am remiss that I am deprived of the beloved Musberger-Lavin rapport that has probably defined the first 3 minutes of this game.

Wisc: 5
A Ohio State: 3

17:11 in the 1st
Brooks: I'm impressed. It's been almost 3 minutes into the game, and we still don't have a single insight about how the Wisconsin offense is "the only one where all 5 players on the court will post up." Take that back, not impressed. Really just sad that I know more about D1 x's and o's than former UCLA coach Steve Lavin.

And we also have our first Jim Tressell reference from Brent. Good for him.

14:30 in the 1st
Brooks: Wisconsin fans are probably quite confused with their Badger's lineup coming out of the time out. While the three white players are certainly recognizable, the other two players in white uniforms are not actually wearing body paint, rather they are genuine African-Americans. Yep, even Bo Ryan recruits them now, entire city of Whitewater, WI!

12:30 in the 1st
Brooks: These two titans of sports broadcasting remain impressively on point despite the sluggish offensive starts from both teams. Steve Lavin is currently asking Brent Musberger what it was like to host the NBA pre-game show in the 1980s, Brent is giving pointers on hosting said show to Stuart Scott in absentia, and Lavin is trying to list all the players he can remember from the 1950s (answer: Oscar Robertson and Elgin Baylor). I'm looking forward to Lavin's thoughts on the Middle East and Brent's views on the new 90210 right around the 4 minute mark.

9-5 Wisconsin

10:41 in the 1st
Brooks: Kevin Gullickson from Wisco just totally air balled a free throw. Further proof that first team to double digits in both halves will win this game handily. That . . . is Big 10 athletics.

9-7 Wisconsin.

10:30 in the First
Uncle D: I am convinced that fast breaks are outlawed in the Big 10 or at least are not allowed to end in a lay-up.

I actually did some research and the bi-laws read as follows:

THE DEVIN HARRIS RULE:

"In order to maintain the score-deflating integrity of the conference, no player shall proceed unimpeded to the hoop with the intent to score unless the ball has been touched by all 5 members of the team. If properly adhered to, the play will result in a kick-out three by a slow and trailing white player"

I didn't have time to check, but I believe the penalty for violating this rule is to actually get coached by Thad Motta

7:44 Left in First
Uncle D: Since I cannot hear the action, perhaps my co-blogger can assist me with the following:

With over 12 minutes played and the game tied at 14, how many times has Musberger used the word "tremendous"?

My guess is 23.

Brooks: Only 6. More importantly, he has used his non-regional diction to establish familiarity with the audience and deftly place the word "folks" into sentences a staggering 76 times.

Also, Steve Lavin at one point used the multi-syllabic word "inculcate." Musberger's robot mind almost exploded on air. Not only did he have to admit that he didn't know what it meant, he also foolishly asked the former coach to then try to spell the word. It's cool though, as Lavin showed how close he is to current pop culture by busting out a Dan Quayle reference to kill the tension.

7:30 Left in the 1st
Brooks: Wow. If you love mid court passing, walking the ball up the floor, and alley-oop passes that "accidently" go off the side of the backboard before the receiving player has even left the ground, well, then you are missing the game of the year!

This is how bad this game is at this point. They just showed a commercial for "Lakeview Terrace" on demand, and I'm considering buying it. Yes, the movie that featured the line, "You don't mess with a man that's got color on his side-- and that color is blue" is better.

On the other hand, Kentucky has lost and Digger Phelps has officially declared UK out "of the tournament." No word on whether he means the NCAA, or if he just learned how single-elimination conference tournaments work and he was excited to show off to us at home.

14-14

5:40 in the First
Uncle D: ESPN just displayed a graphic entitled "Coach Lavs Bloodied but Unbowed"

Presumably a list teams Lavin believes sustained tough beatings but are still viable candidates to make the NCAA.

ESPN could have saved a lot of space if they just named the chart "Coach Lav's Rhiannas"

Way to go Cousin Chris--The Nickelodeon Awards are all political anyway

4:50 in the First
Uncle D: Per Brooks' suggestion, I have decided to watch the first 5 minutes of "Lake View Terrace"

I have a feeling that at the end of the movie, Sam L.'s neighbor decides to move and play for Wisconsin.

Half Time
Uncle D: Brooks apparently has either lost his signal or is watching the establishing shot of the "For Sale" sign being removed in "Lake View Terrace," a film that truly embodies Robert Frost's immortal assessment that "Good Fences Make Good Neighbors and Bad Ones Make for Dead Motha Fuckas"

Frost was truly a visionary ahead of his time.

Meanwhile, it is 29-28 at half, but since it is the Big 10, it feels like I got miles to go before I sleep . . .

I am watching the muted highlights of the UNC-Virginia Tech game from earlier today.

I have said it before, but I want to have it documented for public record:

Why does Psycho T always look like he just got caught masterbating? Is that why his dad always is standing with his arms folded?

I can't stand Psycho T, although I guess I have to get used to him because that clumsy 4 foot lean-in over a smaller player is going to be there in the pros for years to come.

17:20 in the 2nd
Brooks: Well, I'm back, but I'm not sure I want to be. I just saw a great montage of they physical play of the first half, followed by Musberger asking Lavin and an unfortunately not-sarcastic tone, "So, what do you think of the strategy of both coaches?" There is no coaching going on, this might as well be played at Rucker Park, minus all the talent in terms of shooting, dribbling, passing, and working corners on and off the court.

I would like ESPN to show that montage again, but this time with a split screen from the montage in Rocky 4. You know, this montage. Due to their ridiculous athletic budget and even ridiculous scarlet uniforms, I think OSU will be Ivan Drago for the purposes of the film. It will at least accurately display Wisconsin winter and Thad Matta's willingness to kill a black player in the ring.

35-31 Badgers

15:26 in the Second
Brooks: Apparently, John Saunders should be working in the All State commercial I just saw, because, like a good neighbor, he just reminded all of us that the ACC tournament can be seen on ESPN2. It's the light at the end of our dark tunnel.

On a brighter note, Musberger just referred to one Ohio State player as "The Screen Machine." Wow, what does that tell you about this game? I don't know if that's more insulting to the player, or more insulting to his team mates since they have also been able to set an inordinate amount of ineffective and ill-timed screens, yet they get no recognition.

38-35 Wisconsin

11:54 in the 2nd
Uncle D: I agree with Brooks, much like Milk on a hot day or in my NetFlix queue, choosing to blog this game was a baaaaad choice.

The most entertaining aspect of this match-up isn't the game play (which speaks volumes considering we are knotted at 42), rather it has been attempting to determine what the fuck is painted at half-court. On the surface, it appears either to be a chaotic amalgam of all the Big Ten colors or a Wisconsin player's conception of what a snowflake would look like in Africa.

Any insight Brooks?

Brooks' tremendous (pardon my Musberger) reply:

"You raise an excellent point. I actually believe the white dot in the middle is the Big 10-- colorless, lifeless, and bland. The colors represent all the flair, creativity, and passion for basketball desperately fleeing from the center, in this case, Conseco Fieldhouse.

My only other guess is that it's the vomit left by Pacers fans after their most recent home stand. Apparently not even white residents of the Hoosier state are willing to buy Mike Dunleavy, Jr's mid-range game"

7:50 in the 2nd
Brooks: After examining the bracket, I see that the winner of this game gets to play Michigan State in the conference semi's tomorrow. Are you kidding me? Is this really necessary? You are really going to doubt Tom Izzo's ability to out-coach these two basketball titans? Honestly, bring back both Greg Oden and Devin Harris for the winner of this game, and they will still get crushed tomorrow. I haven't been this underwhelmed for a match up since Jim Cramer v. Jon Stewart

47-45 Wisconsin

4:55 Left in the 2nd
Brooks: Not that they were ever really paying attention, but even the announcers have officially checked out. We are now discussing changes football player Eddie George would make to basketball (eliminate fouling out altogether), and Brent's favorite recipe for bran muffins. Lost in this enlightening and intriguing drivel is the Wisconsin offensive explosion. After hitting a couple of three's, the lead is now up to 6, which in the Big 10 I can only assume is more insurmountable than Rosie O'Donnell once she's already on top of you.

54-48 Badgers

4:37 in the 2nd
Uncle D: Wisconsin isn't necessarily pulling away, it is more like a dull yet steady drift. They are up 6 and have shifted to their even more conservative offense where shots trickle down to the less talented players: Pass 17 times then hoist a 27 footer as the shot clock expires.

Jim Rome is burning incidentally . . .

2:12 in the 2nd
Uncle D: Ohio St has taken a 1 point lead after, what ESPN has deemed, a 8-0 "run". However, if you have been watching this game with the sound off while drinking 7 vodka tonics, it feels more like a winded jog . . .

Somewhere, the Big 10 Commissioner was overheard in the skybox saying "Really? 2 more days of this bullshit! Really!? . . . I'll have another Evian Mateen . . . Really! Two more fucking days!? I'm Thad as hell that I dedicated a Network to this WNBA-like nonsense!

1:46 in the 2nd
Brooks: It only took Steve Lavin 38 minutes, but he finally caught a glimpse of the game going on literally inches in front of his nose. After Wisconsin failed to score on their third consecutive possession, he declared the UW offense "terrible." Somewhere, Charles Barkely is drunk, happy, and no longer looking for prostitutes.

In the mean time, Thad Matta just looked at the Big 10 rule book and realized they are allowed to score on multiple possessions in the same half, and have taken the lead back from the Badgers. Honestly, this has all the drama of a junior high break up. I'm waiting for Bo Ryan to send a note to Matta during a tv timeout that says "We give up. Leave me alone forever"

55-54 Buckeyes

1:22 Left in the 2nd
Brooks: I'd like to go ahead and declare that this game will be settled by free throws after time expires. Just going to be that kind of game.

By the way, Brent just asked Steve is Ohio State was going to have to start to "slow it down on offense." It can go slower? Can they literally go in reverse and take away their own baskets?

Routine jumper falls. Bored crowd and band goes ape shit. 57-55 Ohio State.

37 Seconds Left
Uncle D: Down by three, Bo Ryan called a time-out and drew up the following play:

"Alright, since we are entirely incapable of scoring a 'quick' anything, let alone a two, set a series of clumsy screens for each other and if any one of you interchangable white skin heads is open, hoist a 30 foot three with a hand in your face"

Executed to perfection . . .

7.3 Seconds Left
Uncle D: Ohio State just opened a 3 point lead with 7.3 seconds left, making this a 27 possession game . . .

Fin
Brooks: This game mercifully comes to an end, but not without 4 needless timeouts to draw up plays that failed to work in the last 30 seconds. Congratulations, mid-majors, based on this performance only 3 Big 10 teams should even be allowed to apply to the NCAA tournament this year.

61-57 Ohio State final.

Uncle D:

The American public that desperately clamored for a Big 10 Tournament is solely to blame for this game today. The Big 10 knew something we didn't and, now, there is no turning back. So next year, when you are bitching about a 54-49 Purdue-Iowa State game that is getting air time over an exciting mid-major finish, just look in the mirror and say 'fuck you!'

Prediction for tonight: Principal Skinner beats Duke by 4

Tales from a Bizarre, Bizarre Road

I have spent the past week leading a high school team on a spring break trip to Orlando, Florida. First of all, I'm not sure if you've heard of Orlando, but it's quite the tourist destination based on the amount of Eastern European languages I heard and the amount of back hair I saw bursting through both male and female tank tops. And the fanny packs. Lord help me, the fanny packs! Second best shirt I saw: black, cut off T-Shirt worn by a man with a pony tail, that said simply "Jaegermeister Bike Week 2008." Best shirt: worn by a mid-40s woman with tapered jeans that also had an elastic waist, with a tucked in shirt that said "Don't Mess With . . . An Aggie Mom" and a Texas A&M logo.

As I was driving a short bus (yes, literally) from Atlanta 439 miles South, however, I realized that a lot of the names I saw on the highway signs soundly vaguely familiar. Lowndes County, GA in particular stood out. Of course, I was taken back to that magical moment in 1966 when Stokely Carmichael, the great civil rights leader, coined the phrase "Black Power." But I immediately remembered that that was Lowndes County, Alabama, boy was my face red! I mean, c'mon Brooks, what sort of historical neophyte are you!

But I saw others: Ocala, Apopka, and Jasper in Florida were ones that immediately stood out. Why on earth do these names stand out to me? It's not just because I would rather have a botched sex-change operation than live in these towns-- although seriously, I really would. These towns are awful. As in, they are still holding out hope that that Chili's will actually open once the economy turns around-awful. It's because these cities produce numerous starters on BCS rosters each year. The SEC, Big 10, ACC and Big East all try to plunder these areas for 3-5 star talent each summer and fall. Somewhere, the next Santonio Holmes was just off the high way chasing a rabbit out of a crop fire to improve his quickness.

I really don't know what this means. I know that these towns are football powerhouses, yet I can only name 4 Supreme Court Justices (Alito, Scalia, Roberts, Thomas, Bader-Ginsberg . . . sweet, that's 5! Suck it, all those surveys in major newspapers that say Americans are ignorant!). If you can give significance to this random epiphany I had while loaded up on Diet Coke and the contact high given by the estrogen emitting from a bus of adolescent female athletes, by all means let me know. Otherwise, I just leave these thoughts on the interwebs . . .

I'll Take 5 Grams of Coker

Look who's back! Two years after being fired as the Miami (FL) football coach at the conclusion of the 2006 regular season, Larry Coker was introduced as the head coach of University of Texas- San Antionio. Unfortunately, I missed Sportscenter U that day on ESPNU because Comcast is a facist organization that denies me my basic civil rights and I (think) promotes and broadcasts child porn on one of its music channels, so I can neither cofirm nor deny whether or not Stu Scott led into the story with "Boo ya! Welcome back, Coker! Up your nose with a rubber hose, Hurricanes!" I'll check Youtube for that.

Anyway, I really like this hire. They are not actually starting the program until 2011, have a student body of around 28,000 people, and are located in a state that churns out plenty of division 1 prospects every year. He may not recruit talent enough to keep him in Miami, but he also always had winning seasons in a BCS conference. I think it's a pretty good chance he could recruit enough talent to win in whatever podunk conference they start out in. Plus, come on, admit it, you love the idea of a coach named "Coker" living just a few miles away from the Mexican border.

Let's End the Drought

Well, I apologize for the drought between posts. Based on my friendly reminder from Blogger, it's been almost two weeks since my last post. Unfortunately, this blog's record number of 2, that's right- 2!, followers has not been enough to generate the ad revenue necessary for work. Are you kidding me, Bleacher Report? You don't want to buy this? I'm offensive, have no background in sports I cover, and am barely literate-- I'm your dream writer! Anyways, I have had to focus on work the past couple of weeks, so I'm behind on posts. So, this will be a links article to end the drought.

First of all, a big Happy Birthday to Uncle D. I'd put up the link to his birthday page on Facebook, but I worried both that I could reveal his identity and also I'm no longer allowed on
social-networking web pages after a certain ridiculous "court order." Long story short, if Braylon Edwards would just be cool and be my Facebook friend, take me out to a club, and give me a lifetime supply of "5 Hour Energy," none of this would be an issue. But Happy Birthday, D.

1. I have made no qualms that I enjoy Stewart Mandel's columns, but since he's on sabbatical working on another book that I'm sure won't sell at all, SI.com has tried to find replacement authors. Tragically, one of these men is Andy Staples, who gives us a listing of the 12 Best Jobs in College Football. I won't even get started on this one here-- I just wanted to share it with you. My rebuttal post will be out later in the week. I'll just start with this: only an idiot would come up with a "top 12" list. Moron.

2. The Brobible has made a list of the 10 Best Traditions In College Football. I can't really argue with this list because the writers have clearly been to waaay more games than I have. I've been to games at Michigan, Ohio State, Indiana, Virginia, Notre Dame, Texas and Georgia Tech. Only Ohio State made the list, and Script Ohio is pretty awesome. Anyway, this list is inspiring to me and I think I'll come back to this summer when I play trips next fall. Since I'm now in SEC country, the goal is to hit the following stadiums (in order): Alabama, Georgia, Ole Miss, Tennessee, World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party, LSU, Auburn. My goal: hit two next year. Anyone want to help me out with tickets?

3. How many blogs can give you this? Let's talk March Madness! That's right, we're only 2 weeks (roughly) away from Selection Sunday in . . . Men's College Hockey! USCHO has the pairwise breakdown-- I know I'm talking to pro's here, but remember only the top 16 teams qualify. The team to watch is Notre Dame this year-- defending champs that also brought in the nation's top recruiting class (including my high school friend's younger brother-- yeah Eric!). Anyway, I know you don't really care about this, so here's a great link to the tournament that you all care about: the Women's Frozen Four rankings.

4. Finally, I spent all day last Saturday fully engrossed in the first big weekend of men's college lacrosse. It was the Face Off Classic, and featured three games pitting six of the biggest names in men's lacrosse: Virginia v Syracuse, Johns Hopkins v Princeton, and Maryland v Duke. Not only that, Army even stepped in and played an awesome game against Ivy League-favorite Cornell. If you don't watch lacrosse, you missed some awesome games. Inside Lacrosse did a live blog of the UVA-Cuse game: spoiler alert, you see the killer in the first seen, like in "I Know What You Did Last Summer."

Wow, do you find yourself refreshed, re-energized, and quenched? That's what she said-- and that's the end of our drought here at Office Tailgate. We're back!